roger mellys profanisaurus M to S

[doolz]

M
mac in the bath n. English overcoat; French letter. In the same vein wellies on the beach.
mack n. Penis; tadger.
mackerel n. Pimp; controller of prostitutes.
Madam Palm and her five sisters n. A wank. As in: “I’m nipping off to bed with Madam Palm and her five sisters”. See also Palmela Handerson.
main cable n. Your live seed (qv) feed into the love socket (qv).
make a bald man cry v. Masturbate. As in “Have you seen page 3 of The Sun today? It’s enough to make a bald man cry”.
make babies v. To go bone jumping; horizontal jogging.
make like a Chinese helicopter pilot v. Masturbate; grin like a wanking Jap (qv) whilst polishing the joystick (qv).
makes your shit hang sideways adj. Is annoying. As in “That guy makes my shit hang sideways”.
mambas See mammaries.
mammaries n. Mammary glands; swinging pink milk churns; knockers.
mammary dandruff n. Morning after residue from a sausage sandwich (qv); remains of a pearl necklace (qv). Compare muffdruff.
manfat n. Semen. Also man milk.
manging See minging.
mangoes See jelly water mangoes.
manhood n. Of British tabloid journalism, the penis.
man mayonnaise n. See manfat, gentleman’s relish.
man trap n. Female genitals; hairy love pit, one-eyed trouser snake snare.
mapatasi (ma-pa-ta-zee) n. Aus. Minge. As in: “Show us yer mapatasi, Sheila”. abbr. Map of Tasmania. From the similarity in shape of said island to a muff.
map of Africa n. The unfortunate stain left on the bed sheet and often the mattress below after an exchange of bodily fluids. Also map of Ireland.
maracas n. Knackers; clackers; those that swing beneath tallywhackers.
marge n. A loose woman. origin. Margarine, which ‘spreads easily’.
margold n. The ability to do five pop shots (qv) in two hours. To ‘do a margold’. After a boast by porn actor Bill Margold on Channel 4’s After Dark.
marks out of two? prompt From one ogling male to another, to cue the reply “I’d give her one”.
marmalade madam n. 17thC. Tom; doxy; flapper; laced mutton.
Marmite driller n. Workman on the Marmite motorway (qv).
Marmite motorway n. Anus; arse; back passage.
Marmite stripe n. Brown stain or skidmark (qv) found on unwashed shreddies (qv). See also russet gusset.
Mary n. 1. Sponge; pillow biter; angel. 2. Bean flicker.
mattress muncher See pillow biter.
meat and two veg. n. Pork sausage and love spuds (qv).
meat flute See bed flute.
meat injection n. An inoculation against virginity; the taking of girl’s internal temperature with the pink, hot, mercury spitting thermometer.
meat market n. Bar or club where birds with short skirts and blotchy legs dance with their handbags, waiting for a pull (qv). Also meat rack.
meat seeking pissile n. Penis; love torpedo. See also ICBM, guided muscle.
melons n. Female breasts. Also available from the double entendre fruit stall large pears, have a banana, nice plums, luv-er-ly bunches of coconuts etc.
melvin v. To grab by the balls.
merchant (banker) rhym. slang Wanker.
merkin n. Manmade mapatasi; a stoat syrup; pubic Irish.
mess n. Semen; gunk; cock hockle. See also lose your mess.
mezoomas n. Pink velvet cushions on which the family jeweller prefers to display a pearl necklace (qv).
Michaels rhym. slang Piles. From the 1970s TV game show host Michael Miles. As in “These nylon trollies don’t half chaff me Michaels”.
Mickey n. Irish. Dick.
middle leg n. Penis. Also middle stump, third leg.
milk the snake v. Snake, as in one eyed trouser. Milk, as in the creamy stuff delivered by the milkman (qv).
milkman n. Spurt Reynolds (qv); John Thomas.
milk the milkman See milk the snake.
milk race n. 1. Adolescent wanking game for two or more public school children. 2. A barrack room toss-up to decide who eats the last cream cracker.
mince medallions n. Dangleberries; kling-ons.
ming 1. Scotch v. To emit a foul smell. As in: “Hoots mon, it’s minging in here!” 2. v. To exude ugliness. As in: “In the 80s Peter Beardsley’s perm was minging”. 3. The bill 4. The evil Emperor in Flash Gordon.
minge (minnnn-j) n. Fanny; quim.
minge binge n. The frantic fish eating spree of the gash gannet.
minge mat n. Mapatasi; velcro triangle.
minge winker n. 1. Strip tease artist. 2. She who flashes her gash, e.g. whilst folding her legs.
mink n. A more up-market name for the wife’s beaver (qv).
minnie moo n. Minge.
Miss Lincolnshire n. Any woman with spaniel’s ears (qv). See also Dutch Alps.
mohair knickers n. Large, unruly minnie moo (qv); one with spiders legs (qv).
moist and meaty adj. Alliterating adjectives used extensively to describe the female and male genitals respectively, as well as dog food.
monkey n. Vagina. As in: “Does the monkey want a banana?”
monkey’s chin n. Twix lips; beetle bonnet; prominent mound of Venus. As in “Check the fucking monkey’s chin on that!”
monkey’s forehead n. 1. velcro triangle; mapatasi. 2. The front top bit of Sunderland manager Peter Reid’s heed.
Montezuma’s revenge n. A term for diarrhoea not appreciated by Mexicans. Also the Tijuana cha-cha (qv).
moo n. Long suffering wife. As in “Where’s me bladdy tea, eh? You silly old moo”.
moosen. Boiler; steg. Often a feminist with hairy armpits.
moped n. Fat woman. Fun to ride, but you wouldn’t tell your mates about it.
more tea vicar? Faux farcical attempt to distract clergyman after the launch of an air biscuit (qv) now widely used to diffuse post fart tension. One of many popular postflatulus remarks including sew a button on that, catch that one and paint it blue, good health!, pin a tail on that and there goes the elephant.
morning glory n. The appearance of a tent pole (qv) first thing in the morning. See also dawn horn.
moss cottage n. The ideal home for John Thomas.
mott n. Minge; mapatasi.
mound of Venus n. Craggy outcrop above salmon canyon (qv) usually hidden by a dense covering of bush (qv). Also beetle bonnet, monkey’s forehead.
mount v. To (hairy) saddle-(bag) up and ride.
mouse’s ear sim. Opposite of a horse’s collar (qv).
Mr Happy’s business suit n. Condom.
Mr Jones 1. 19thC n. Penis. 2. A butcher who frequently purports that “they don’t like it up ‘em”.
Mr Sausage n. The excitable trouser man.
Mr Whippy n. Flagellation; corporal punishment dished out at rug-a-tug shops (qv).
muck n. Mess (qv); baby bullion; load. As in “Shoot your muck”.
muck spreader n. Arse; bum.
mud n. Excrement.
muddy funster n. Botter (qv); anal Swampy; he who supposedly tunnels in mud (qv).
mud hole n. That hole from which you blow mud (qv); crop sprayer; cable layer.
mud valve mechanic See brown pipe engineer.
mudeye n. Arse; ringpiece; your old fashioned plastic tea towel holder.
muff 1. n. Minge; fanny. 2. v. To shag; have intercourse with. 3. v. To fluff (not to be confused with fluffer (qv)); miss an easy goal scoring opportunity, e.g. “Oh fuck! Andy Cole has muffed it”.
muff diver n. A footballer who misses an easy goal scoring opportunity, then falls over in an attempt to win a penalty kick.
muff diver’s dental floss n. Female pubic hair.
muff huff n. Menstruation or PMT. See also period drama.
muff nudge n. The light brushing of your favourite female hairdresser’s beetle bonnet (qv) against your elbows while she leans forward to cut your hair.
muffin 1. n. Bread based bakery product. 2. Present tense of the verb to muff. 3. n. 1960s TV mule whose name remains a source of perpetual hilarity among the elderly and infirm. Also fresh from the bakery crumpet, tiffin.
mullered See langered.
mullet n. That strange haircut favoured by country and western singers and eighties footballers.
mulligan n. Aus. Penis.
mumblers n. Tight women’s bicycle shorts through which you “see the lips move but can’t understand a word”. See also Twix lips, camel’s foot, hungry arse, lip reading.
mung n. Particularly runny type of arse feta (qv).
municipal cockwash n. Bike; box of assorted creams; buttered bun. See cockwash.
musical vegetables n. Baked beans, as eaten by cowboys and trouser trumpeteers.
mustang n. Of shitty arses, that stubborn dangleberry (qv) which cannot be shaken off.
mutton musket n. A smaller more portable field weapon than the lamb cannon (qv). Also mutton bayonet, mutton dagger.
mutt’s nuts adj. Canine contraction of dog’s bollocks..
N
nads n. Knackers; testicles; plums. (abbr. gonads). US nards.
nadbag n. Nutsack; pod pouch; scrot sling.
nauticals rhym. slang Piles. From ‘nautical miles’.
navigator of the windward pass n. Rear admiral (qv).
neddies See nellies.
nellies n. Knockers; tits.
nether eye n. That single unseeing eye, situated in the nether region, which cries brown, lumpy tears.
nether throat n. In farting, the poot chute; botty bugle. As in “Pardon me while I clear my nether throat”.
nettie n. Outside loo; clart cabin; shite house.
niags rhym. slang Testicles. From Niagra Falls - balls.
nick bent adj. Temporarily travelling on the other bus (qv) whilst staying at Her Majesty’s pleasure.
niffkin’s bridge n. Female equivalent of the biffin bridge or barse (qv).
nine-bob-note, as bent as a sim. Gay.
nob v. To shag; poke; penetrate with the knob (qv).
Nobbies rhym. slang. Piles; From Nobby Stiles, a 1966 version of Paul Ince.
noddy n. Condom; French letter; cock ‘holder’.
nodge v. To observe the sexual activity of others.
nodger n. Peeping Tom; voyeur. Wanker who prefers to wank “live” rather than to a video.
nocturnal emission n. Doctalk for a wet dream.
nookey 1. n. Sex, only a bit (qv) of which it is advisable to have at any one time, and therefore: 2. A ‘humorous’ name for a ventriloquist’s dummy.
nork hammock n. Of female fashions, a halter neck top.
norks n. Tits; knockers. Also norkers, norgs, norgers. See also nork hammock.
Norma Snockers n. Wieldy bo jangles (qv). See also Gert Stonkers.
norton n. Bearded clam.
nosh (someone) off v. To perform philately on a woman; eat hairy pie. Female equivalent of to suck (someone) off.
nudger n. Gay male or gay male’s penis. Also fudge nudger.
nuggets n. 1. Testicles. 2. Any inedible part of a chicken or turkey, when coated in batter or breadcrumbs.
number one n. A penny; tinkle.
number two n. A sit down; tuppence.
nunga munching v. The ganneting of hairy pie (qv); the doing of horatio (qv).
nunnery n. Elizabethan name for a rub-a-tug shop (qv) from an age when nuns were widely believed to wear yo-yo knickers (qv).
nuts n. Clackers; knackers; hairy conkers; marbles; bollocks; pods.
nut custard See banana yoghurt.
nuts 1. n. Knackers; scrotum and/or its contents, as in “I’m going to shave my nuts”. 2. adj. Mad, as in “Shave your nuts? You must be nuts”. 3. n. Things that monkey’s eat. As in “That monkey’s nuts. I gave it some nuts and its rubbing them on its nuts”.
nut chokers n. Kecks; shreddies; thunder bags.
nut sack n. Scrotum; nad bag.
nymph n. Sexy young bird.
nympho n. Sex crazed bird that’s gagging for it (qv) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The sort who would shag a pneumatic drill and blow up the generator.

O
oats n.A portion (qv) which you get during sex.
oil the bat v. Polish the pork sword; lubricate the lamb canon.
off your face adj. Shitfaced.
off your trolley adj. Hatstand; mental.
olivia v. To have sex with several filthy tramps on a piss stained mattress, all at once.
oil the truncheon v. To buff up the bobbies helmet; collect kindling; wank.
old holborn n. The frayed edges of the velcro triangle (qv); a pant moustache (qv). See also spiders legs.
old man n. Penis. As in “The old man’s been out of work for six months. Most days we play pocket billiards (qv) to keep him occupied”. Also old fella.
onanism (oh-nuh-nism) n. 1. Incomplete sexual intercourse. 2. A posh word what the Queen might use for wanking and that.
one cheek sneak n. The stealthy approach to shooting bunnies (qv). From a sitting position, lifting one buttock in order to slide out an aurally undetected air biscuit (qv). See also cushion creeper, leg lifter.
one-eyed trouser snake n. Gentleman’s pant python; sex serpent; cock.
one-eyed Willie n. Penis.
one-eyed Willie’s eye patch n. Condom; English overcoat.
one n. A non-specific unit of sex “given” to a woman by a man. See also portion.
one eyed trouser snake See one eyed pant python.
one eyed pant python See one eyed zipper fish
one eyed zipper fish See Cyclops.
one handed mag n. Jazz magazine; rhythm read; art pamphlet; porny periodical.
one holed flute See bed flute.
one in the pump, to have v. To have the hots for a female. As in “Phoar! I’ve got one in the pump for her, I can tell you”. Drinking parlance for a pint paid for but not yet poured.
one off the wrist v. Five knuckle shuffle; wank; hand shandy.
on the bonk adj. Sergeant Sausage when standing to attention.
on the blob adj. Riding the menstrual cycle; having the painters in; flags are out.
on the hoy adj. On the piss; on the razz; hoying it doon ya neck, and then back up again.
on the job adj. At it (qv). Busying oneself with the partner’s plumbing.
on the other bus adj. Homosexual; bowling from the Pavilion end.
on the pull adj. Fishing for kipper (qv).
on the salmon See salmon.
on the slipway adj. Of stools and stool movement, to have the turtles head (qv). As in “Get out of that fucking bathroom will you, I’ve got one on the slipway”.
on the sniff See on the pull.
on the tap See oot on the tap.
oomph! n. Sex appeal, as in “By crikey, she’s got some oomph!”
oot on the tap adj. Out on the pull (qv), as opposed to on the hoy (qv).
open your lunchbox v. To float an air biscuit (qv) reminiscent of yesterday’s egg sandwiches in odour.
orchestras rhym. slang Orchestra stalls - balls.
orgasm See fanny bomb, ring the bell, shoot your load, chuck your muck.
Oscar n. US Dick; penis.
other, a bit of the See hanky panky.
otter’s nose n. When getting fingers and tops (qv), that which is felt by the former. As in “I got a result last night. I touched the otter’s nose”.
over the shoulder boulder holder n. Industrial bra; heavy lifting apparatus for jelly water mangoes (qv).
owner operator n. Wanker; a knight who wields his pork sword for pleasure, not for the benefit of fair maidens.
own up v. In a breaking company (qv) situation, to identify oneself as the benefactor (qv).

P
packet n. The contents of the kecks (qv) visible in relief upon the trouser leg. Male equivalent of the camel’s foot (qv).
paddle the pink canoe v. More relaxed version of whitewater wristing (qv) for girls. Weekend recreational pursuit of the gusset typist (qv).
painters See have the painters in.
painting the ceiling v. Hitch hiking with the big top removed; the one handed snake charming of the pant python.
paisley removal n. Pointing Percy (qv) directly at an area of pebble dashing (qv) in order to amuse oneself during a Chinese singing lesson (qv). See also piss polo.
palace gates n. Fanny lips; beef curtains (qv).
Palmela and her five sisters See Madam Palm.
Palmela Handerson n. Your dream date to go out for a cruise in the wanking chariot (qv).
pander v. To act as a go-between in an act of sexual intrigue. For example, to go and buy a hamster and some parcel tape for that odd couple in the flat below. n. panderer.
pantie hamster n. Minge.
pan handle n. Erect penis; wood; stalk; a bonk on.
pant hamster n. Natural prey of the one-eyed trouser snake.
pant moustache n. Effect achieved when the mapatasi (qv) extends symmetrically beyond either side of the shreddies (qv). See also spider’s legs.
pants 1. interj. Exclamation of dismay. 2. n. Rubbish; shit; pig’s arse; bollocks. As in: “You’re talking pants!”.
papper v. To shit. As in “Oh no, I think I just pappered me trollies (qv)”.
paps n. Olde Worlde Tits.
parallel parked adj. In bed together; having sex. e.g. “Were you parallel parked with her last night?” “Not half! I was up to the bumper (qv) mate”.
parfume de plop n. Acrid odour which accompanies a twin tone (qv) and heralds the arrival in the bomb bay (qv) of a Peter O’Toole.
park the custard v. To vomit.
park the fudge v. To shit; pass a stool; crimp off a length.
park the pink bus v. To slip a lady a length (qv). As in “Time for bed. Come on, let’s park the pink bus in the furry garage”.
park the tiger v. To puke; yodel; let out a techinicolour yawn.
parlour n. Back passage. As in “His pork prescription was most efficacious, taken in the parlour of course”.
park your breakfast v. Light a bum cigar; lay a cable.
particulars n. Of low budget British sex comedies involving police officers, ladies underwear; knickers. As in “Hex-scuse me med’m, but I h-may need to take down a few particulars”. (Fnarr fnarr! (qv))
passion flaps n. A more romantic alternative to piss flaps.
passion pit n. Bed. See also fart sack, scratcher, wanking chariot.
passion wagon n. Clapped out van, usually a Ford Transit, with blacked out windows and a piss stained mattress and several empty beer cans in the back. Also shag wagon.
pavement pizza n. The contents of your stomach as they appear after barfing (qv) in the street; a parked tiger.
pearl necklace n. Those globular consequences of having a sausage sandwich (qv) at the Billy Mill roundabout (qv). As in “I gave her a beautiful pearl necklace”.
pebble dash v. To crop spray (qv) the toilet bowl with clarts (qv).
pecker 1. US n. Penis. 2. UK n. Nose.
pee See piss.
peel v. 1. To strip; pose nude. 2. When so doing, to draw back the beef curtains (qv). As in “Crikey, have you seen Fiesta? I never knew Joanne Guest was a peeler”.
peeling the carrot v. Spanking the monkey.
penis n. The Right Honourable Member for Underpants.
Percy 1. UK n. Penis. As in: “I’m just off to point Percy at the porcelain”. 2. A small green 0-4-0 saddle tank steam locomotive created by the Rev. W. Awdry.
period drama n. Moody and erratic behaviour of women at times of menstruation.
perseverance soup n. orig. Japan The tiny tears from the hog’s eye (qv) which precede ejaculation; clear secretion which lubricates the glans; that which comes out of the kitchen before the main course. See also dew on the lily.
personalities n. Breasts. As in “My, you’ve got a lovely pair of personalities”. (Fnarr fnarr (qv)). See also balkans, charms.
phantom farter n. An anonymous benefactor (qv).
piddle See pee.
pie See hairy pie, Captain’s pie.
pillicock n. Archaic word for penis.
pillock n. Tame, TV sitcom-friendly insult. Possible derivation of pillicock.
pillow biter n. One who bites their pillow, often in a moment of uphill horticultural delight. Also mattress muncher.
pills n. Pods; knackers.
pilot of the chocolate runway See navigator of the Wind-ward passage.
pinch a loaf See curl one off.
pineapple (chunk) rhym. slang Spunk.
pink, the n. Female genitals. See also pot pink, pot brown, easy pink, snookered behind the red.
pink cigar n. Penis. As in “Tell me Madame, do you per chance smoke the pink cigar?” Not to be confused with bum cigar (qv).
pink Darth Vader n. Knob. From the Star Wars character with a bell end (qv) helmet. From the same film shake hands with the Wookie, Hand Solo.
pink oboe n. Penis. As in: “I have a great passion for music. Tell me, do you play the pink oboe?”
pink pillows n. Ladies love cushions; bosoms.
pink steel n. Even harder than wood (qv).
pink ticket n. Imaginary vadge (qv) visa issued to a husband when he spends the night apart from his wife. As in “Eureka! I’ve got my pink ticket for the conference on Tuesday”.
pink velvet sausage wallet n. Vagina; muff.
pintle n. Olde Worlde Penis.
pipe cleaner See chimney sweep.
pipe smoker 1. US n. Botter (qv). 2. A person who smokes a pipe.
pirate of men’s pants n. Swashbuckling term for your jolly Rogerer; cock; penis.
piss See pee.
piss flaps 1. n. Labia; beef curtains. 2. interj. Exclamation of disappointment. As in “Oh piss-flaps! I never win the Lottery!”
pissing in the wind v. Wasting your time; attempting the impossible.
piss it v. To do something piss simple, piss easily.
piss it up the wall v. To waste money on drink.
piss on your chips v. To put yourself at a long-term disadvantage through a foolhardy short-term action. As in “Beckham really pissed on his chips when he kicked that Argie”.
piss polo n. Game whereby disinfectant tablets are pointlessly manoeuvred in a urinal trough by the participant’s piss streams. For more lavatorial amusement see paisley removal.
piss pot n. 1. Lavatory bowl. 2. Idiot; fool.
piss rusty water v. To pass liquid diarrhoea.
piss up n. An ale soiree; social gathering of boozing companions.
pitch a tent v. To get wood (qv) either beneath the bed linen, or conspicuously in your trousers.
pit prop n. Strategic structural member found in a passion pit (qv); tent pole; dawn horn.
placket n. Archaic ****.
plate v. Rub-a-tug shop (qv) parlance for performing horatio; giving head.
playing the bone-a-phone v. Wanking; pulling yourself a hand shandy; playing the one string banjo.
play the back nine v. Irish (qv) golf; use your wood to play into the bunker; get the dog in the bathtub.
play the pink oboe v. To perform oral sex on a man. Often to denote homosexuality, as in “I didn’t know Michael Barrymore played the pink oboe”. Also pink piccolo.
play the whale v. To spew.
pleasure v. Tabloidese To suck or wank off. A sex act (qv) in the approving sense.
plinth v. Of males on the job (qv), to manoeuvre yourself into a comfortable position for penetration.
plonker n. 1. Penis. 2. Crap put down line from Britain’s most tedious TV sitcom.
plums n. Knackers; balls; testicles. See melons.
plumber’s toolbag n. Furry bicycle stand (qv); mott.
plunker n. US Johnny; a jump (qv) suit for a plonker (qv).
Plymouth Argyles rhym. slang Piles.
poe slap n. Rubbing of the bald genie’s lamp; awakening of the bacon; a wank.
poblycwm n. Welsh Literally ‘People who like quim (qv)’.
pocket billiards n. A game for one player, two balls, and a cock.
pocket fisherman n. He who plays with his tackle through his trouser pockets.
pocket frog n. A fart; botty burp; anal announcement.
pocket pinball See pocket billiards.
pocket rocket See porridge gun.
poe n. Vagina.
poe slap n. Sanitary towel.
pogue mahone Gaelic Kiss my arse, to be sure.
pogie n. US Where American plonkers (qv) go dressed in their plunkers (qv).
point Percy at the porce-lain v. Train Terrence at the terracotta. See Percy.
poke v. What plonkers (qv) do to pogies (qv).
pole vault n. Vagina; stench trench; strong room where the spam sceptre (qv) can be safely housed.
polish the lighthouse v. To masturbate in the bath.
polony party n. A social gathering of two or more consenting adults where games include hide the sausage, park the salami and split the kipper.
pompom n. Jamaica Vagina.
ponce n. 1. Pimp. 2. Brian Sewell sound alike.
pong n. The smell of a poot (qv).
pony rhym. slang Pony and trap - crap.
poo 1. (poooooo!!) exclam. A word spoken with fingers on nostrils to describe an unpleasant odour. 2. n. Shit.
poof See poofter.
poofter See poove.
poon n. Fanny; crumpet; toosh. “I guess this means my poon days are over” (John F. Kennedy after his inauguration in Jan. 1961). “Knickers off, this is poon city!” (Bill Clinton after his inauguration in Jan. 1993).
poo packer See marmite driller.
poop catchers n. Knickers; cack catchers.
poop chute n. Bumhole; arse.
poo pipe pirate n. Jolly rogerer; pirate of men’s pants (qv).
poot v. To sound one’s botty bugle, often after eating musical vegetables (qv).
pooter n. The bum bellows with which you poot (qv); the poot flute.
poot flute n. Trouser trumpet; singing ring; botty bugle; bumhole.
poove See puff.
popazogalou n. Blow job. From the name of the rub-a-tug shop (qv) landlord in the film Personal Services who accepted payment in kind.
pop your cherry v. Lose your virginity; break your duck.
poppycock n. Nonsense. orig. From Dutch pappekak meaning ‘soft shit’.
pop shot n. Scene in a pornographic movie in which a male actor is required to splash his population paste (qv) on camera, after being suitably prepared by the fluffer (qv). See also margold.
population paste n. Joy gloy; semen; spunk; Aphrodite’s evostick.
pork v. To shag. As in “I couldn’t pork her because she had the painters in”.
pork prescription n. 1. Cock, to be swallowed twice a day before meals. 2. Doctor’s authorisation for a meat injection (qv).
pork sword n. Penis; bacon bazooka; lamb cannon etc.
porridge gun n. Tool for distributing population paste (qv) quickly and efficiently.
portion n. A large but non-specific quantity of sex. As in: “I’d give her a portion, and no mistake”. See also one, length.
posh wank n. A mess free masturbatory manoeuvre undertaken whilst wearing an English overcoat (qv).
pot brown v. Bury the bone on (qv) in kak canyon (qv).
pot pink v. Moor the skin boat (qv) in cod cove (qv). See also snookered behind the red, difficult brown etc.
potty-mouth n. US Someone who repeats words from this book in conversation.
pouch n. An ageing, saggy mott (qv) that hangs like a sporran.
pound the pork v. Of pinksmiths, to pummel a hot pork sword (qv) into shape. Also pound the pudding.
pox n. Venereal disease, specifically syphilis.
pranny n. Fool; arsehole. A form of insult popular amongst The Troggs during the 1960s. Also prannet.
pratt n. Pranny; fuckwit; arsehole.
pre-cum n. Substance often referred to in the letters pages of jazz magazines but rarely mentioned elsewhere. See perseverance soup; dew on the lily.
premature pinch n. The snipping off of an unsmoked bum cigar (qv) as when disturbed in the act, by an important telephone call for example.
prick 1. n. A penis. 2. n. A twat; fuckwit; fool. 3. n. A life threatening finger injury often suffered by fairy tale princesses.
prick tease See cock tease.
privates n. Inoffensive uni-sex term for genitalia invented by the Women’s Institute in 1904. At the opposite end of the rudeness scale to fuckstick, bollocks and ****.
psychedelic yodelling n. Vocal projection of your biscuits (qv) out your mouth.
pud n. Penis. That which was always pulled by Ivor Biggun, of ‘Wanking Song’ pop fame (aka Doc Cox of That’s Life rude vegetable fame).
pudendum n. Latin word for genitals, meaning literally ‘meat pie and two potatoes’.
pud-whapper n. US Wanker; obnoxious person.
puff 1. v. To exhale cigarette smoke. 2. p.n. Magic dragon that lived by the sea.
pugwash n. Aus. Cleaning of the teeth with tapioca toothpaste (qv)
puke v. To throw up.
pull 1. v. To tap; pick up members of the opposite sex. As in “I went out on the pull last night”. 2. v. To wank. As in “Nowt pulled, so I went home, watched the free Fantasy Channel preview and had a pull.”
pull a pint on the piss pump v. To crank out the hand shandy (qv).
pull a train v. To take turns at stirring the porridge (qv); jelly roll; gang bang.
pulling power n. Polite term for fanny magnetism.
pull off 1. v. To drag a drunken friend away from a fight, usually whilst shouting “It’s not worth it” or “Leave it, he’s had enough”. 2. v. To masturbate. As in “Fucking hell! She went skiing (qv) and pulled us both off at once”.
pull the turkey’s neck See throttle the turkey.
pull your pud v. Wank. See pud.
puma acronym Pants up my arse. See hungry arse.
pump v. To fart; poot; pass wind; shoot bunnies; drop a rose petal.
pump action mottgun n. Advanced rapid fire development of the mutton musket (qv).
puppies n. affectionate Tits; boobs; breasts.
puppies’ noses n. Nipples.
purple headed yoghurt warrior See purple headed womb broom.
purple headed womb broom See purple headed yoghurt warrior.
purple helmet 1. n. Pink Darth Vader’s headgear; bobbies helmet; German helmet; Roman helmet; bell end. 2. Any member of the Rover Aerobatic display team.
purple pearler n. Extendible icing tool for decorating pink blancmanges.
push gas v. To poot (qv).
pussy n. Of woeful British TV sitcoms set in quiet, overstaffed department stores, a much stroked pet cat frequently referred to by Mrs Slocombe.
pussy pelmet n. Short mini skirt.
putting from the rough v. Golfing equivalent of bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
putz n. Yiddish Prick.
pygmies’ cocks sim. Erect nipples. As in “She had nipples like pygmy’s cocks”.
pyroflatulate v. To light one’s farts. See also afterburner; blue streak.
Q
quack n. Short, sharp botty burp often followed by an apologetic “Oops!” See also step on a duck.
quail n. Game young bird (qv).
quandong n. Aus. 1. Difficult lay; hard woman; she who wears armour plated knickers. 2. Prostitute.
quaynte n. Placket (qv).
quaker, to bury a n. Stool. As in: “Where is your lovely wife?” “Ah, she just nipped upstairs to bury a quaker”.
quaz n. Ugly wanker; bell-end ringer. (abbr. Quasimodo).
quean n. Male homosexual. Original spelling of queen, as in pinch of snuff.
queef n. US Vaginal fart; front botty burp. Also kweef.
queen See queer.
queer See quean.
quickie n. Hurried one (qv).
quim n. Refined word for the mapatasi (qv) such as a gentleman might use at a hay clarse cocktail party. From the Welsh word Cwm meaning ‘valley beneath the 13 amp fuse wire’.
quimby n. Middle person in a threesome. See also lucky Pierre.
quimle v. To eat hairy pie (qv). I was quimling her, he quimled me, etc.
quince n. 1. Aus. Mincing quean. 2. Something owls eat with a runcible spoon.
quoit n. Ring; hoop; rusty sheriff’s badge; balloon knot; tea towel holder.
quumf v. To sit in waiting outside a public library in Blyth, for example, and sniff ladies bicycle seats as soon as possible after their owner has dismounted and gone inside. Also to snudge.
R
rack n. Female mammarial display; collectively the tits; funbags. e.g. “She’s got a lovely rack on her. Very well presented. And nipples like a fighter pilot’s thumbs”.
radio rental rhym. slang Mental; hatstand.
rag week n. 1. Seven days during which students get pissed and behave like cunts in the name of charity. 2. Time of the month when the flags are out (qv). Also blob week. See also on the blob.
rainbow yawn n. Puke. See also technicolour yawn, pavement pizza.
raisin bag n. Nut sack (qv); John Wayne’s hairy saddle-bags.
R.A.F. Rough as fuck; ugly; unattractive.
rake the cage out v. To build a log cabin; give birth to a Richard (qv).
Ralph v. echoism To vomit. See also call Huey.
ram job n. Conventional heterosexual sex, as opposed to blow job (qv) or hand job (qv). Also nob job.
ram shackled adj. To be engaged in the act of botting (qv).
randy n. Cowboy version of horny (qv).
raspberry rhym. slang Fart. From raspberry tart. As in “Did you just drop a raspberry?” “No. He who smelt it, dealt it”. “Ah! But he who denied it, supplied it”, etc.
rascal wrapper n. French letter; blob; rubber Johnny.
rat arsed / faced adj. Shit faced.
rat’s cocks! exclam. Shit: blast; drat; confound it. To express extreme disappointment. As in “Rat’s cocks! I left my bus pass at home”.
razz v. To hoy up; puke.
Razzle p.n. The definitive jazz magazine, in its own words ‘The magazine that makes your cock go hard’.
reach around n. In botting, pouring your partner a hand shandy (qv) whilst ram shackled.
rear admiral n. A sailor who prefers to navigate the Windward passage (qv).
rear gunner n. In aviation terms, a gunner who shoots one of his own side by firing his lamb cannon (qv) into their bomb bay (qv).
rectal retort n. Fart.
red ring n. Inflammation of the chocolate starfish as a result of being skittered (qv). See also Japanese flag.
red wings n. Dubious honour bestowed upon someone who eats haddock pastie (qv) during rag week (qv).
remould n. Rubber; single finger Marigold glove; blob.
retch v. To vomit, but with more noise and less puke.
reverse thrust n. The act of getting off at Edge Hill (qv). The interruptedus of your coitus.
rhythm magazine n. Jazz mag; scud book; porn pamphlet; one handed reading material.
rhythm stick n. Sixth gear stick; joy stick; copper stick; giggle stick; love truncheon.
rib cushions n. Breasts.
Richard rhym. slang. Turd. From Richard the Third. e.g. “I’ve just given birth to a ten pound Richard”.
ride v. That which you do on a bike (qv).
ride the baloney pony v. US To wank.
ride the great white knuckler v. To play rhythm on your bone-a-phone (qv).
ride the porcelain bus v. To have diarrhoea. Not to be confused with drive the porcelain bus (qv).
ride the waves v. Shag an amply proportioned lady. See also moped.
rigid digit n. Erect penis; bone; bonk on.
rim n. Circumference of the anus; ring.
ring n. 1. Hole; jacksie; anus; brown eye; chocolate starfish. 2. The vagina.
ring bandit See Hershey highwayman.
ringburner n. A hot curry which results in ring sting (qv) the next day, and a Japanese flag (qv).
ring master n. 1. Master of ceremonies at a circus. 2. A botter (qv).
ring pirate See pirate of men’s pants.
ring sting n. Inflammation of the ring (qv) as a result of pissing rusty water (qv), e.g. after visiting the Rupali restaurant in Newcastle and eating a plate of the World’s Hottest Curry, ‘magmaloo’.
ring the bell v. Pop the cork; detonate the fanny bomb (qv).
rinky dink n. Stink; that unpleasant odour created by a fyst (qv); Richard the third’s B.O.
rinse the lettuce v. To wash the beef curtains, in situ as it were. Followed by a shake of the lettuce (qv).
rising main n. In pubic plumbing, the pink tatty water supply pipe usually fed in through the vagina. Also main cable.
riveting stick rhym. slang Dick. From the jeweller’s instrument.
robbing the date locker v. Turd burgling.
rocket polisher n. Overenthusiastic cleaning of the meat seeking pissile (qv) leading to detonation on the launch pad.
rocket socket n. Vagina.
Rockfords rhym. slang Piles; arse grapes; Nobbies; Emmas; Chalfonts. From the TV series The Rockford Files.
rocks n. Those which you ‘get off ’ when having it off.
rod n. Spam sceptre.
rod walloper See jewel jiggler.
rodeo sex n. To call your girlfriend by an ex-girlfriend’s name whilst having sex ‘doggy style’, and then try to hold on for as long as possible. Also bronco sex.
roger v. To shag. Often in the past tense. As in “I gave her a jolly good rogering”.
roger ramjet n. Botter.
roll in the hay v. What everyone wanted to do with Julie Christie in Far From The Madding Crowd. And Donald Sutherland did with her in Don’t Look Back.
Roman helmet rumba See Bologna bop.
Ronson rhym. slang Arse. ‘Ronson lighter - shiter’.
room clearer n. Of flatulent emissions, a fart which registers one notch higher than breaking company (qv) on the sphincter scale. See also fyst.
root . rootle v. To shag.
rope the pony v. To wank.
rotoplooker (ro-to-ploo-ka) US n. Penis; chopper.
roundhead n. A pink Darth Vader (qv) after the surgical removal of his Kojak’s roll-neck (qv); a yiddled whanger.
round up the tadpoles v. To wank; bash the bishop.
row the boat v. Actually a dual tug boat; multiple wanking. Nautical variation on the skiing position (qv).
rub-a-tug shop n. Brothel; bordello; house of ill repute. Massage parlour supplying a rub down and a tug off.
rubber Johnny n. A blob; contraceptive. Also rubber.
rug munchers n. See fanny noshers.
rump gully n. Viewed from biffin bridge (qv), the gradually sloping valley beyond kak canyon (qv).
Rumple Foreskin n. Penis; Fagan; John Thomas; junior.
rumpo n. Rumpy pumpy.
rump ranger n. Chocolate cowboy.
rumpy pumpy n. A polite and lightweight term for sexual shenanigans used by respectable people. US equivalent hoochie-coochie.
runs, the n. What English cricketers get when they face fast bowlers.
russet gusset n. Skidmarks (qv) or dangleberrian deposits on the shreddies (qv). Also marmite stripe.
rusty sheriff’s badge n. Ride along biffin bridge (qv) from John Wayne’s hairy saddlebags (qv) and there it lies, right in the middle of kak canyon (qv). Just before you reach rump gully (qv).
rusty water See piss rusty water.

S
sack artist n. Womaniser; gigolo; fanny rat.
saddle bags n. 1. Labia; piss flaps. 2. Scrotum. Also John Wayne’s hairy saddle-bags.
safe See French safe.
salami slapper n. He who tolls upon his own bell end (qv); a wanker. See also hide the salami.
salmon canyon n. Piscine pass leading to tuna town (qv) that some folks round these parts call Gobblers Gulch.
salmon (on prawn) rhym. slang The horn (qv). Not to be confused with salmon (and trout) - snout (i.e. cigarette).
salsa dip n. A splash about in the crimson waves. See surfing the crimson wave.
salt n. 1960s Mod parlance for bird (qv).
S and M n. Rub-a-tug shop (qv) parlance for sado-masochism. See also Mr Whippy.
sand hole n. Of crowded beaches, that hole caused by sunbathing on your stomach in order to conceal a bone on (qv).
sauce 1. n. Booze, usually in large quantity. As in “That Keith Chegwin didn’t half hit the sauce”. 2. v. To seduce.
sausage and donut situation n. Heterosexual intercourse. As in “My luck was in. By midnight we had a sausage and donut situation”.
sausage grappler See salami slapper.
sausage jockey n. Passive male homosexual; anyone who sits on a sausage and bounces up and down. Also sausage rider.
sausage kennel n. A male homosexual’s bottom.
sausage pizza n. Closest thing to a sausage sandwich (qv) that Miss Lincolnshire (qv) is able to provide.
sausage sandwich n. A juicy salami frotted between two pink baps (qv), the end result of which is a pearl necklace (qv). Also Dutch.
sausage supper n. Female equivalent of a fish supper (qv).
sausage wallet n. Fanny.
SBD adj. Of farts and farting, Silent But Deadly. A subtle release of pungent botty gas.
SBV adj. Silent But Violent. Minging (qv) fizzle (qv) from the fart fissure.
schlong . schlonger (shh-long-aa) Yiddish n. Large penis.
schlong shed n. Condom; stopcock; stiffy stocking.
schmeckie n. Opposite of a schlong (qv).
scooter n. Arse. From Dutch schoeter meaning ‘shitter’.
Scottish bedwarmer n. A fart; anal announcement.
scratcher n. Bed; fart sack.
scrote n. Knacker; bollock brain. A versatile testicular term of abuse.
screamer n. Raving poofter.
screw v. To have sex piggy style, rotating clockwise due to a corkscrew shaped cock.
scrumping v. 1. US Having sex. 2. UK Stealing apples.
scrubber n. Slapper; vulgar woman; dollymop.
scumbag n. The ultimate term of abuse known to tabloid journalists.
scumwad n. American variation on scumbag.
scrotum pole n. Old Red Indian erection at the foot of which lie John Wayne’s hairy saddlebags (qv), and around which Madam Palm and her five sisters (qv) do ritual dances to precipitate spunk-fall.
scrunchies n. 1. Of slappettes (qv), the colourful elasticated hairbands captured by rival teenage slappers in battle. 2. Excess batter in a chip shop.
scuttle v. To sink the pink, or brown, from behind. The brown in particular. See also pot the brown.
scutter n. Slut; shag bag.
sea monster n. Swamp donkey; hipocrocadogapig.
see a friend to the coast See drop the kids off at the pool.
seed n. That which is scattered in salmon canyon (qv).
seeing to n. Sexual servicing, a “jolly good” one of which is often said to have been given to a woman by a man.
see you next Tuesday acronym Parting nicety alluding to the initials ‘CU’N.T.
semen n. Aphrodite’s Aral-dite; joy Gloy; gunk; spunk; goo.
semi n. 1. Lazy lob on; half erect penis. “As in “The best I could manage was a semi”. 2. A house joined to one other house.
send a sausage to the seaside See sink a few U boats.
separate-us apparatus n. Condom; stiffy stocking. As in “Did you remember to bring the separate-us apparatus?” “Rat’s cocks! I didn’t. Perhaps we should just play the bagpipes (qv) tonight”.
serpent socket n. That hole with which the one eyed trouser snake (qv) connects.
sex 1. n. It (qv). 2. v. To pump someone full of semen. As in “Babe, I’m gonna sex you up”.
sex act n. Versatile, vague tabloid term used to describe and denigrate specifically non-specific acts of shenanigans. Usually prefixed “vile” or “lewd”.
Shabba (Ranks) See J. Arthur.
shaft 1. v. To shag; screw. 2. n. Penis. 3. p.n. The black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks.
shag 1. v. To copulate; to fuck. 2. n. Sexual encounter; a screw. 3. US Fifties dance craze. 4. Type of sea bird. 5. Tobacco. 6. Something to do with arse grapes or carpets I think.
shagability n. Measureament of how shagable a person is.
shagable adj. Having a high degree of shagability.
shag bag n. Loose woman; bike.
shag factory n. Joint which is heaving with blit; knickerville; blart city.
shagged out adj. Exhausted; jiggered; buggered; zonked; fucked.
shagging a bike sim. To describe sex with a thin woman. “Some of these supermodels, they don’t look healthy. I don’t fancy that. It would be like shagging a bike”. Opposite of shagging a waterbed.
shag monster n. She who has a voracious appetite for sex. Not necessarily ugly.
shagnasty n. An ugly and sexually promiscuous female.
shag slab n. The altar of love; bed; passion pit; cock block; fart sack; scratcher.
shag tags n. Love bites; hickies; suckers; bruises from a physical bout of tonsil hockey.
shaggin’ wagon Also shag wagon. See passion wagon.
shake hands with the Wookie v. Another in the ‘Wanking with Star Wars’ series. See also Hand Solo, duel with the pink Darth Vader.
shake hands with the wife’s best friend See shake the bishop’s hand.
shake the bishop’s hand v. Have a piss, as opposed to bashing the bishop (qv).
shake the lettuce v. female To pee. Specifically, to give the beef curtains (qv) a quick tumble dry afterwards.
shake the snake v. Male equivalent of shaking the lettuce (qv) the object being to dislodge any forget-me-nots (qv) before returning the schlong (qv) to the shreddies (qv).
shaking hands with the unemployed v. Wanking.
shampoo the rug v. To lose one’s population paste (qv) on a mapatasi (qv). Perhaps when getting off at Edge Hill (qv).
shark . sharking v. Go on the pull (qv), using aggressive, sly or cunning tactics.
shark’s fin n. The profile of a neighbour’s beetle bonnet (qv) viewed through a tight bikini bottom whilst sunbathing on the beach. See also sand hole.
shat on from a height v. To have been badly exploited; humiliated; let down.
shave a horse v. To have a piss; take a leak.
shaven haven n. Bald monkey’s forehead (qv).
shed n. Large, promiscuous woman. Somewhere to stick your tools.
shedded adj. Trousered (qv); cattled (qv).
Sherman (tank) rhym. slang. Wank.
shift v. To shag; screw.
shirtful n. A well stocked rack (qv). As in “My, what a shirtful”.
shirt lifter n. Uphill gardener; brown hatter.
shirt potatoes n. Tits; melons; top bollocks.
shit . shite 1. v. To shit; defecate; sink the Bismarck (qv), build a log cabin (qv), crimp one off (qv), light a bum cigar (qv) etc. 2. n. Crap; excrement; stools; faecal matter. 3. Git; sod; get; a shitty person, usually “little”. 4. Crap; useless. As in “Shit weather for this time of year eh vicar?”
shit a brick 1. interj. Exclamation of surprise. 2. v. To be scared; to papper your trollies.
shit eating grin n. Exaggerated, smug, self-satisifed smile pulled deliberately to taunt others; as if to say “Eat shit”.
shiter (shy-tuh) n. Arse; kak cannon. That which shites.
shite house (shyt-howss) n. Outside lavatory; dunny.
shit faced n. Arseholed; intoxicated; para-fuckin-lytic.
shit locker n. Arse; bomb bay. Also date locker.
shit on your own doorstep euph. Foul the nest. e.g. Shag your mother-in-law while you are totally pissed. See also piss on your chips.
shits, the n. Of smallroom dancing, those up tempo trots (qv) which include the Tijuana cha-cha (qv), the sour apple quickstep (qv) and the Aztec two-step.
shit stabber n. Pork swordsman.
shitter (shit-aa) 1. n. Anus; kakpipe; council gritter. 2. Sit down lavatory; the pan.
shitty stick n. A stick, covered in shit, used by men with powerful cars to stave off advancing women.
shit your pants v. To drop a brick; cake your kecks; papper your trollies.
shooting bunnies v. Polite euphemism for farting; pass wind; blow off. Also kill the Easter bunny.
shoot in your boot euph. To be excited. Of Jimi Hendrix, Little Richard said: “Jimi made my big toe shoot right up in my boot”.
shoot your load / bolt / wad v. To ejaculate; lose your mess; discharge the mutton musket (qv).
shopping n. The underpant aftermath of follow through (qv). As in “Did I detect a twin tone (qv)?” “Afraid so. I’d better go and check my trollies for shopping”.
shoulder boulders n. Big breasts; gazungas (qv).
shunt v. To shag. As in “Go on, tap her wheels, see if she’s worth a shunt”.
shreddies n. Undercrackers; kecks; trollies.
shrimp v. To suck someone’s toes for sexual gratification, whether or not they have a vacuous, buck teethed smile, greasy hair, and a Chelsea football strip on.
shtup v. Yiddish To have sex; bonk; bang.
side winders n. Spaniel’s ears (qv) which appear to be gravitating towards the armpits.
Sigourney Weaver rhym. slang Beaver.
singer n. Sexual athlete; he or she who goes at it (qv) like a sewing machine.
sing sweet violets v. Airy alternative to building a log cabin (qv); to take a dump.
sink a few U boats v. To pass a stool, as if dropping depth charges.
sink the Bismarck v. To pass one fucking enormous stool; deposit a U blocker.
sink the sausage See hide the sausage.
siphon the python v. Point Percy (qv) at the porcelain; have a piss.
Sir Anthony rhym. slang A proper Charlie (qv). From ‘Sir Anthony Blunt’ - ****.
sitting on an elephant adj. To be highly burbulent; to have brewed a massive one up. e.g. “Evacuate the room, women and children first. Mr Bennett is sitting on an elephant”. (Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen).
sixteen valve n. Stunner; corking bird.
sixth gear n. Wanking, especially in a parked car. See also stick shift.
sixty-nine See soixante neuf.
six-pack grip See tenpin.
skeet v. To come off at the Billy Mill roundabout (qv); shoot your load (qv).
skeeze v. US To shag; schtup.
skid marks n. Severe russet gusset (qv); pebble dashing (qv) of the undercrackers; the turtle’s brill cream.
skiing position n. Wanking two men off at the same time while wearing only a helmet, goggles and snow skis.
skin boat n. Penis. As in “I think I’ll sail the old skin boat to tuna town” (Burgess Meredith).
skin flick n. Fuck feature; blue movie; mamba matinee.
skin flute See fleshy flugel-horn, bed flute, pink oboe.
skirt n. collective & singular Fanny; blart; toosh; talent. As in “I’m on a pink ticket (qv) the neet. Let’s get down the bar and pick up a bit of skirt”.
skit . skitter v. To shit diarrhoea. skitting. skitted. As in “Me dog’s ate the fucking back legs off the wife’s duck. It’s skittin’ al’ awaa the place”.
skitters, the n. Diarrhoea; the shits; squirts.
skittered adj. To have the skits; to be skittering.
skittuin (skit-ew-win) n. The product of the skitters, especially in dogs; canine paint stripper; puddles of brown acidic gunge on the carpet.
skull buggery n. Pugwashing; salami sucking. Also skull fucking.
slag n. 1. Woman of little virtue; slapper. 2. Waste material from a mine, slag heap. 3. (s-laaaaaag) Term of abuse applied liberally to male criminals in The Sweeney.
slam hound n. US Slapper; slutt.
slam in the lamb v. Bayonet manoeuvre involving the mutton musket (qv).
slam spunk v. To have sex. As in “I was slam spunkin’ till six o’clock this morning. Ended up having porridge on me bacon sandwich for breakfast”.
slap and tickle n. A bit (qv); a portion (qv); a bit of it (qv); the other (qv); rumpy-pumpy.
slaphead See chrome dome.
slaphood n. Adolescent years of a slapper (qv).
slapper n. Slag; dirty woman. She who has been around a bit. From the Yiddish schlepper meaning literally ‘I don’t fancy yours much’.
slappette n. Betracksuited, hickied, bubblegum chewing, scrunchie (qv) wearing fledgling slapper (qv).
slap the monkey See bash the bishop. Also spank the monkey.
slash n. A piss; wee wee.
slash and burn n. 1. Third world deforestation technique. 2. A painful symptom of venereal disease.
slash palace n. Public lavatory.
slats n. 1. Ribs. As is “I’m gonna rattle her slats with me womb broom”. 2. Aus. Beef curtains. As in “I’m gonna part her slats with we womb broom”.
sleep in a tent v. To have a large penis. As in “Fancy coming back to my place. You’ll not be disappointed. I sleep in a tent”. See tent pole.
sleeping beast n. Flaccid cock; marshmallowed main pipe (qv).
slime (ss-loym) v. Aus To ejaculate; chuck ones muck. As in: “Hev yer slimed yet Bruce?” “Will yer shat ap Sheila, ya puttin’ me orf”.
slip a length v. To shag, from the male viewpoint. As in “I’d slip her a length any day of the week”.
slip her a crippler v. A few notches up from slip her a length (qv); shag someone so hard they can’t walk.
slit n. Blit; fanny; vertical bacon sandwich.
sloppy seconds n. Of pulling trains and gang bangs, to be in the coach immediately behind the engine; to take second pick in a box of assorted creams (qv). See also stirring the porridge, buttered bun.
slotn. Vulva; button hole.
slut n. Slapper; slag; bike.
smeg n. 1. Jizz; joy gloy; jism. 2. Amusingly named Swedish manufacturer of white goods.
smegma See smeg.
smegma dome See bell end.
smoke the bald man v. To light up a salami cigarette. smoke the white owl See smoke the bald man.
smuggling a brownie v. To have the turtle’s head (qv). As in “He seemed quite anxious to get away. I suspect he was smuggling a brownie”.
smut n. Filth; pornography jazzmags; skin-flicks etc.
snake v. To scrump; schtup; skeeze. To let loose the one-eyed trouser snake (qv) on a mink, beaver, pussy etc.
snake charmer n. A girl who has an uplifting effect on your pant python. As in “Phoar! She’s a bit of a snake charmer. I’m pitching a trouser tent right here and now”.
snatch n. Quim; vagina.
snatch mouse n. Tampon. Also cotton mouse.
snog v. To swap spit; tongue wrestle; play tonsil hockey.
snogging water n. After shave. See also tart’s window box.
snookered behind the red v. Unable to sink the pink due to the time of month. The only pot on is a difficult brown (qv).
snorker n. Australian for sausage, both eating and hiding varieties.
snowball v. To blow salami cigarette smoke back into the tobacconists mouth... sort of thing.
snowdropper n. Underwear fetishist who steals to sniff, usually from washing lines. See also knicker bandit, snufty.
snudge v. To sniff a ladies bicycle seat after she leaves it chained to park railings. Also known as quumfing. See also snufty.
snufty n. One who derives pleasure from sniffing, bicycle seats, drip trays (qv), socks etc.
snurgle See snudge.
snurglar n. Quumfer; snudger; bicycle snufty.
soap-on-a-roper n. Heterosexual male who prefers not to bend down in communal showers.
soapy tit wank n. Sausage sandwich (qv) served in the bath or shower.
sod n. A loose piece of turf in an uphill garden.
soixante-neuf n. French for sixty-nine.
sour apple quickstep n. Another diarrhoea dance. As in: “Your wife is taking rather a long time in the powder room”. “Yes, I’m afraid she’s dancing the sour apple quickstep tonight”. See also Tijuana cha-cha.
sow n. One notch up from cow on the female insult scale.
spadger n. Aus. Vagina.
Spam alley n. A haven for Spam javelin (qv) throwing.
Spam castanets n. Labia. As in “My hobbies including playing the Spam castanets”.
Spam fritters n. Labia; tasty alternative to a vertical bacon sandwich (qv), especially served in batter.
Spam javelin n. Penis.
Spam sceptre n. Largest of the family jewels (qv).
spaniel’s ears n. Sagging, flat thruppenny bits. Also snoopies.
spanish archer n. The push; the ‘El Bow’.
spanking n. A form of corporal classroom punishment still practised in rub-a-tug shops (qv). See also Mr Whippy.
spank the monkey See spank the plank.
spank the plank v. Bash the bishop; burp the worm.
spanky hanky n. Jit gel rag; wank sock. Anything used for clearing up Aphrodite’s araldite afterwards.
spanner n. Top totty (qv); she who tightens your nuts.
spare n. In a meat market (qv), that totty (qv) which is not yet sold.
spasm chasm See spam alley.
spear the bearded clam v. A trick involving a spam javelin (qv) and said hairy bivalve.
spend tuppence in ha’-pennies and farthings v. To pass loose stools; have diarrhoea.
sperm n. Spunk; gism.
sperm worm n. Penis.
spew 1. v. To vomit; park a tiger; be sick. 2. n. The sick itself. As in “Mum. This soup tastes like spew”.
spider’s legs n. Of muffs (qv), rogue pubic hairs which protrude beyond the knicker line; a pant moustache.
spit v. What women do if they won’t swallow (qv).
spit roast n. Someone simultaneously skewered at both ends by pork swords (qv); a sausage jockey (qv) who plays a pink oboe (qv) whilst still in the saddle. See also lucky Pierre.
splashback n. Unfortunate tidal effect of a depth charge (qv) or belly flopper (qv) within the pan resulting in splashing of the arse.
splash me boots v. To have a piss; take a leak. Definitely not to be confused with fuck me shoes (qv).
spla water n. Semen; gunk.
splay v. US To schtup; snake; skeeze. Specifically, to draw back the beef curtains (qv) and enter.
splice v. British version of splay (qv).
split a kipper v. To have sex.
splosh n. Cockney 1. Sex; crumpet; fanny. As in “Gor bloimey, squire, I fink I’ll go dahn the old rub-a-dub and get moiself a bit o’splosh”. 2. Money.
spod See spooge.
spoilers n. Buttocks.
sponge n. Of homosexual relationships, the submissive partner; the noshee as opposed to the nosher. Usually the thin one. See also stone.
spooge n. US Semen.
spooge scrooge n. Blob; condom; rubber policeman.
sports bag n. A functional cottaging accessory in which one partner stands to conceal his feet and avoid detection by lavatory attendants looking under the door. See also Bosch, cottage.
sprogdrop n. Pregnancy. As in: “Your wife’s put on a bit of weight. Is she suffering from sprogdrop?”
spunk n. Semen.
spunkled adj. Sprinkled with spunk.
spunkling adj. Sparkling or glistening as a result of being spunkled
spunk rat n. Good looking bloke, as described by females. Not to be confused with fanny rat (qv).
spuds deep n. Up to the buffers (qv).
spunk n. 1. Semen; seed. 2. Spirit; pluck. 3. Aus. Good looking man; dish; hunk. 4. Tinder made from fungus.
spunk dustbin Also spunk bucket.See bucket fanny, box of assorted creams.
Spurt Reynolds n. Pet name for the tearful bald man sitting on the hairy beanbags (qv). See also make a bald man cry.
spurt your curd v. Spread your spunk; infect others with your pluck and spirit.
squeak the breeze v. US To fart; talk German; pass wind.
squeeze the cheese v. Dairy equivalent of sausage stretching.; to wank.
squirts n. In arsemology, a series of eruptions resulting in a pyroclastic flow from the farting fissure. A condition also known as the skitters.
squits n. Dangerous wet farts, constantly bordering on the follow through (qv).
stacked adj. Overstocked rack (qv) in the snork (qv) department. As is “I fell in love with my wife at first sight. She is particularly well stacked”.
stalk n. Erection; stiffy. As in “Pardon me if I look like a tripod. I can’t seem to get rid of this stalk”.
stalk fever n. Condition affecting men on big cock day (qv).
stand . stand on See stalk.
steak drapes n. Gammon goalposts; beef curtains.
stealth bomber n. Subtle leg lifter (qv); undetected benefactor (qv); phantom farter (qv).
stench trench n. disaffectionate Fanny.
steg n. Woman resembling a ferocious, spiny, squat, pre-historic dinosaur. abbr. Stegosaurus. Compare lickalotopus.
step on a duck v. To create a quack; fart. orig. From a remark made by King Edward VI upon hearing a hunting companion sound his trouser trumpet (qv). “Sir, I may be mistaken, but I do believe you have stepped on a duck”.
step on a frog Also tread on a frog. See step on a duck.
stick shifter n. Wanker.
sticky belly flap cock n. Post wank condition suffered by bishop bashers (qv).
stiffy . stiffie n. A bone on; erection. Also Mr Stiffy.
stiffy stocking n. Rascal wrapper; cheesepipe cling-film; Spurt Reynolds’ sick-bag.
Stilton muffle n. Pungent and unwashed fish mitten (qv).
stink 1. n. The distinctive odour of well matured knob cheese, eggy air biscuits etc. 2. v. To emit such a smell; to ming. 3. n. A fuss. 4. n. Aus. A scrap; fight.
stinky finger adj. Having ate the captain’s pie (qv) without a knife and fork. Also stinky pinky.
stirring the porridge v. To have sloppy seconds (qv); to dip into a billposter’s bucket (qv).
stoat n. In the world of pant nature, the natural pray of the one-eyed trouser snake (qv).
stone n. Of gay men and women, the opposite to a sponge (qv); the dominant partner. And usually no oil painting either.
stones n. Olde Worlde Balls.
stonker 1. n. Erection; hard on; stiffy. 2. n. Entertaining television programme (as applied by Jonathon Ross in the 1980s).
strain your greens v. To have a piss.
strangle Kojak v. Male masturbation; peel the carrot; stroke the Wookie. See also Kojak’s roll-neck.
strapadictomy n. Routine operation to strap on a dildo.
string See wood.
stroke mag n. Top shelf literature; art pamphlet; gentleman’s interest magazine.
strum v. A relaxed tug.
strumpet n. Olde Worlde Prostitute.
strumping v. Predatory behaviour by a bird; female equivalent of sharking (qv).
stuffing a marshmallow in a piggy bank v. Of those unfortunate situations involving brewer’s droop (qv), attempting to force your loose sausage meat (qv) into the slot (qv).
succubus n. A phantom night-time cock sucker once thought to be responsible for nocturnal emissions (qv).
suckers See shag tags.
suck face v. US To kiss. As in “Git a goddamn move on an’ finish your mother fuckin’ popcorn, you sunofabitch. I wanna suck some face”.
suckhole n. Aus. In radio studios, one who laughs at everything Chris Evans says. Brown noser; toady; arselick; sycophant.
suck off v. To end it all by shooting yourself in the mouth with the mutton musket (qv).
sugared almond n. Clitoris.
sunnies n. Aus Tits; baps.
surfboard n. Flat chested female; Miss Lincolnshire.
surfing the crimson wave v. Riding the menstrual cycle.
swallow v. What women do when they don’t spit; what Goldilocks did to one of the three bears’ porridge.
swallow the oysters v. Swallow as in swallow (qv), oysters as in pearls, pearls as in pearl necklace (qv).
swamp v. H.M.F. To piss; urinate.
swamp donkey n. Female bereft of physical beauty; tug boat; boiler; sea monster; steg.
swap spit See suck face.
Swedish n. Greek (qv).
sweet FA acronym Sweet Fanny Adams and/or fuck all; absolutely nothing.
swing both ways See switch hitter.
switch hitter US n. Person who bats with both hands; bisexual; AC/DC.
swive v. 17thC. Fuck. As in “A horse, a horse. My kingdom for a swiving horse”.
sword swallower n. Sword as in the pork variety.
siphon the python v. To take a Chinese signing lesson (qv); see a man about a dog.
syrup n. Irish jig.

[The Joker]