roger mellys profanisaurus D to G

[doolz]

D
dog toffee n. Tacky pavemental dog deposit that will readily adhere to the sole of a shoe or support an upright lollipop stick.
dog with two dicks sim. Randy; horny. As in “He came out of prison like a dog with two dicks”. Also tom cat with three balls.
dollymop n. An amateur or inexperienced prostitute.
Donald rhym. slang Fuck. From Donald Duck.
donger n. Whanger; pork sword.
donkey kisser n. female She who does not kiss well; that girl who kisses like a donkey chewing an apple.
donkey punch n. To knock your partner out cold while approaching the Billy Mill roundaboutabout (qv) from Bourneville boulevard (qv). This is said to have the same aphrodisiacal effect as slam-ming a goose’s neck in a drawer whilst committing bestiality. Don’t try either.
donkey rigged adj. Blessed with a large penis.
donkified adj. The state of the male genitals on a big cock day (qv).
donor See benefactor.
donut puncher See bum bandit.
doormat basher See carpet muncher.
doos n. Tits.
dopper See dork.
dork See plonker.
double adapter euph. AC/ DC (qv) man equipped with a one pin plug at the front but also having the benefit of a fully functioning single pin socket at the back.
double the melt v. To get to the Billy Mill round-about (qv) twice during the same journey.
doxy n. Olde Worlde Whore; slag. She who docks (qv).
D’Oyle (doy-lee) rhym. slang D’Oyle Carte - fart.
Dracula’s tea bags n. Tampons; jamrags; cotton mice.
drain your spuds v. To empty out the tatty water (qv); clear the custard (qv).
draw mud from the well v. To follow through (qv).
drink from both taps v. To be bisexual; bend both ways; switch hitter (qv).
drink on a stick n. Erection, alluding to lollipops and oral sex. As in “Hoy pet, fancy a drink on a stick?”
drip tray n. The often crusty sump in a pair of knickers.
drive the porcelain bus v. A kneel-down visit to the lavatory during which one holds the rim (like a steering wheel) and does some psych-edelic yodelling (qv). Compare ride the porcelain bus.
drop anchor in bum bay v. To arrive at the rear admiral’s (qv) favourite port of call.
drop a pebble v. To erroneously emit a small body of faeces whilst attempting to break wind. See also follow through.
drop one v. Let off; chuff.
drop out n. Underpant condition whereby a testicle protrudes from the bottom of the shreddies (qv), or famously in Peter Beardsley’s case, football shorts. Compare flop out (qv).
dropping the shopping See drop the kids off at the pool.
drop the kids off at the pool See sink a few U boats.
drop your hat v. To fart. Also drop a bomb, drop your handbag.
drop your hat forwards v. To fanny fart; muff chuff. As in “Just as I was donning the beard, she dropped her hat forwards”.
drown the chocolate slugs v. Alternative to light a bum cigar (qv) for those anticipating a looser stool.
dry bob n. Dance the frig jig; sex with clothes on. Also dry hump.
dry docked adj. Lack of lubrication situation where a low tide of love juices (qv) prevents the skin boat (qv) sailing into tuna town (qv).
duel with the pink Darth Vader n. See Hand Solo and pink Darth Vader for details.
duff n. Bum; arse.
duffy’s bridge See biffin bridge.
dugs n. Baps; paps. Olde worlde version of jugs.
dung funnel See fudge tunnel.
dung puncher See donut puncher.
dunk n. To dip one’s wick.
dunky n. Protective sheath to prevent the penis going soggy and falling off into the hairy goblet during dunking.
dunny n. Aus. Toilet; shite house. Also a popular nickname for someone called Dunn.
dump v. To drop a log; part with the poop payload. Compare air dump.
dumplings on that, look at the Common inter-male mammarial observation.
dust the duvet v. To hitch-hike under the big top (qv).
Dutch n. Sausage sandwich; tit wank. Also Dutch fuck. Sausage pizza (qv) is more popular in the Dutch Alps.
Dutch Alps n. Small breasts; fried eggs (qv). Also Lincolnshire Cairngorms.
Dutch oven n. Beneath the bedclothes after someone has played ‘Reveille’ on the botty bugle.
dyke n. Lesbian; tuppence licker; carpet muncher; a woman on the other bus. See also diesel dyke, bull-dyke.
E
Eartha Kitts rhym. slang Shits; diarrhoea. Also Brad Pitts, thrupenny bits.
eat breakfast backwards v. To throw up.
eating out v. Fanny lapping; muff diving; “one hairy pie to eat in, and hold the mayo”.
Eccles snake n. A penis with warts.
Edward Woodward ono-matopoeia A fart in a bath.
egg bound adj. Blocked of fudge pipe; constipated.
Egyptian PT v. Orig. HMF To sleep. Through no fault of the Egyptians this is now also used to describe one-handed pink pole vaulting lessons and outings in the wanking chariot (qv).
elbow bender n. Nudger of the turps; saucerholic.
elephants (trunk) rhym. slang Drunk.
Emmas rhym. sl. Haemorrhoids. From Emma Freud, saucy sister of high powered media mogul Matthew. Also Nobbies (qv).
empty the anaconda v. To siphon the python.
Engleburts rhym. slang. The squirts. As opposed to a Humperdinck - stink.
English disease, the n. Homosexuality, as defined by the French.
English overcoat n. The French equivalent of the English French letter (qv).
Eric n. Schoolboy alternative to a Jake (qv).
ESD v. Eat Shitty Dick. To smoke a pink cigar fresh from kak canyon. Can be used as an insult in the suggestive form, e.g. “ESD, fuck face”.
exhaust pipe n. Bumhole; fudge tunnel. Also tailpipe.
exhaust pipe engineer See brownpipe engineer.
exercise the ferret v. To copulate; bury the bishop (as opposed to bashing him).
extras n. The tugging as opposed to the rubbing in a rub-a-tug shop (qv).

F
fadge n. A cross between a fanny and a vagina.
fag n. 1. Tab; ciggie. 2. US Jessie; pansy; poofter.
Fagan n. Penis. As in “How did you get on last night. Did you introduce her to Fagan?”
fairy hammock n. Panties.
falling down juice n. Beer. Also fighting water.
family jewels n. Knackers; male genitalia.
fanning your arse v. Male courtship display. As in “I went twice round the dance floor fanning my arse, but I didn’t get a bite”.
fanny n. 1. UK Minge; female genitals. 2. US Arse; backside.
fanny batter n. Crusty residue found on a hairy pie (qv). Also muffdruff.
fanny battering ram n. A primitive device for forcing entry into a fanny which both batters and is fanny battered in the process.
fanny bomb n. Moment of sexual fulfilment in a woman; female orgasm. As in “I think the fanny bomb just went off”.
fanny flange n. Clitoris.
fanny fright n. Nervous condition affecting some macho men who suddenly become reluctant to have sex when presented with an opportunity.
fanny magnet n. Flash car or other possession towards the owner of which totty (qv) is attracted.
fanny rat n. 1. Penis. 2. Sexually promiscuous male; dick wit.
farmers rhym. slang Piles. From Farmer Giles.
fart 1. v. To make an anal announcement; the diction of friction caused by a passage of foul air through vibrating buttocks. 2. n. A passage of said arse-speak; German rhetoric; a bottom burp; beef; poot; air biscuit.
fart catcher n. Male homosexual. Orig. derog. valet or footman.
fart higher than your arse French To harbour an inflated opinion of oneself. As in “Zat garcon Daa-veed Beck-am. He farts higher zan eez own arse”.
farting strings n. Imaginary part of the body which is liable to be damaged by over exertion through laughter, e.g. “Hey! Stop it will ya, before I bust me farting strings”.
fart knocker n. 1. Bum bandit; fudge nudger. 2. One who criticises another’s farts.
fartleberries See dangleberries.
fart sack n. Bed; scratcher. As in “Come on love, let’s hit the fart sack”. See also wanking chariot.
feague v. The equestrian tradition of shoving a stick of ginger up a horse’s dock (qv) for reasons best known to those who do it. Usefully adapts to feague off.
feather spitter n. Pillow biter (qv) who has bitten the pillow to hard or too often.
feature v. To shag; get next to. As in “Phoar! I wouldn’t mind featuring with her”.
feeding the ducks v. To wank. From an apparent similarity in the hand move-ment involved.
feed the pony v. Also to wank. But I’ve never seen anyone feed a pony like that.
feed the fish naval v. To vomit over the side of a ship; bury one’s biscuits (qv) at sea.
felch v. 1. Californian craze of training a hamster or similar animal to jump through a ring (qv) on command. 2. Any other real or imagined homosexual practice, such as to lick lemon curd out of a tea towel holder (qv), or playing pass the chocolate log.
Feltchmeister n. One who felches; faux German term of formal address for a rear admiral (qv). As in “Ah, Feltchmeister Bottenhagen. Vee ver expeck-tink you”.
fem See sponge.
fighting water See falling down juice.
fill your boots v. Get your oats.
finger pie n. What you have when you get fingers (qv); a handful of sprats (qv).
fingers See tops and fingers.
Finsbury bridge See barse.
firey surprise n. To receive a brand spanking new electric fire that you never knew about.
firing blanks v. Post snip ejaculation. e.g. “You can put the ticklers (qv) away love, I’m firing blanks”.
firkin 1. n. An archaic term for a cask of ale, now the fuckwitted epithet for half the pubs in Britain.
firkytoodling n. Archaic Foreplay. Maidens often wrote to medieval problem pages to complain that their knights didn’t spend enough time on firkytoodling.
fish box n. Variation on box (qv) playing on the fish theme. Also Billingsgate box, fish mitten.
fish mitten n. Hairy pie; captain’s pie; haddock pastie. Friday supper alternative to lab kebabs or vertical bacon sandwiches.
fish supper euph. Carnival knowledge (qv) to which a husband is entitled at the end of the day. See get up them stairs.
fist magnet n. Someone who attracts punches to the face.
fist rape n. Taking advantage of your fist after inviting it back to your place for a coffee and a flick through a dirty magazine. See also glaze a knuckle.
fit adj. Attractive; worthy of one (qv).
fitbin interj. An extremely rude swearword invented by Sweary Mary in Viz for the sole purpose of antagonising W.H. Smiths.
five against one n. A very one sided but none-the-less enjoyable game of wrestling in which Madame Palm and her five sisters (qv) attempt to strangle Kojak (qv). The game ends when you make the bald man cry (qv).
five finger spread n. Highly counter productive attempt to suppress a vomit with the hand.
five knuckle shuffle n. One-handed work out to a Cindy Crawford exercise video.
five-to-two-er n. Boot; ugly woman. The only time you would chat her up would be at closing time in a nightclub.
fizzing at the bung hole adj. Implies sexual arousal in a woman. “Was she hot or was she not!? Fizzing at the bung hole, she was”. Predominantly male usage, funnily enough.
fizzle n. A gentle or quiet fart.
fladge and padge n. Of rub-a-tug shop (qv) services, Mr Whippy with the nurses outfit.
flags are out adj. Wet paint warning; fixture list shows Arsenal are playing at home (qv).
flange n. Muff; beaver; minge.
flapjack n. A tool for jacking flaps apart.
flash the hash v. To throw up.
flash the upright grin v. To expose the female genitals; flash the gash.
flative adj. Of food, that which induces flatulence, e.g. cabbage, musical vegetables (qv).
flatulence n. Wind; the whole business of farting. From the Latin flatus meaning ‘smelly solo’ and lentus meaning ‘trouser trumpet’.
flesh wallet n. Hairy cheque book; pubic purse.
fleshy fugelhorn n. Tuneful variation on the bed flute; pink oboe.
flingel rhym. slang ****. From The Shadows instrumental hit ‘The Rise and Fall of Flingel Bunt’.
float an air biscuit v. To release a tree monkey (qv) from captivity.
floater n. 1. Scotch A turd in the pan which will not flush away. 2. Member of the crap 70s soul band, e.g. Larry.
flog the log See spank the plank.
flop out n. Condition whereby the flaccid penis protrudes through the bottom of the underpants, this often occurring during the transfer from a sitting to a standing position.
floppy red cup See hairy goblet.
florins ryhm. slang Shits. From the predecimal ‘florin’ coins known as ‘two bob bits’. Compare thruppenny bits.
fluff n. In the Navy, a fart.
fluffer n. On a dirty film set, a person employed to get the best from a male actors part between takes.
fnarr fnarr! exclam. Suppressed childish exclamation of amusement uttered after a double entendre.
foaming at the bunghole See frothing at the gash.
follow through v. To accidentally soil ones underpants whilst attempting to fart; create russet gusset (qv): drop a pebble (qv).
fomp v. US To engage in sexual foreplay; to have firky-toodle.
forget-me-nots n. The final notes in a Chinese singing lesson (qv); droplets which form a tiny but embarrassing wet patch on your trousers. Also dicksplash.
form n. Fitness; shagability (qv). As in “Check oot the form on that”.
Francis n. US Female arse.
franger n. Condom.
Frankie (Vaughan) rhym. slang Porn; scud material.
frap . frappe v. echoism To fart.
freckle n. Aus. Arse; brown eye; chocolate starfish.
French n. Popular coital position whereby the man sits astride a bicycle selling onions while the woman perches on the handle bars and inflates his testicles.
French letter See English overcoat.
French safe n. Secure place to stick the longest and pinkest of the family jewels (qv).
French sickness n. Any disease caught from prostitutes advertising their services in phone boxes for £20 or less.
French wank See posh wank.
Frenchy n. Rubber carrying case for a French horn (qv).
Freudian slip n. Something comfortable into which Spurt Reynolds (qv) slips before sex. Named after Emma’s (qv) cock theorising great great grandad.
Friar Tuck See Donald Duck.
fried eggs n. Small baps. As in: “Do you fancy that Kate Moss?” “Naaaah! Tits like fried eggs”.
frig v. To wank or fuck, usually about.
frock v. Cosmetic husband in a lavender marriage (qv). The male equivalent of a beard (qv).
frog See step on a frog.
front bottom See fur burger.
frothing at the gash adj. Of females in the male imagination, fizzing at the bung hole; gagging for it.
frottage v. To brush women with the womb broom.
frottager n. One who frotts.
fruit fly n. Fag hag.
fuck 1. v. To have it off; shag. 2. v. To have someone oot; chin. 3. v. To break; damage something beyond repair. 4. v. To dismiss with contempt. e.g. “Fuck that for a game of soldiers”. 5. interj. Exclamation of surprise or disappointment (pronounced “fa-ck” in Soho brasseries). See cattle for polite alternatives.
fucker n. An individual; person. Often prefixed “big fat”.
fuck stick n. Penis.
fuck truck See passion wagon.
fuckwit n. Simpleton; fool; one of little intelligence; bollock brain.
fud n. Scotch Berkeley Hunt.
fudge packer n. One who packs fudge.
fudge tunnel 1. n. A tunnel made out of, or for the underground transportation of, fudge. 2. n. An arsehole.
fugly adj. Fucking ugly.
fun bags n. Breasts; knockers; thruppennies.
fun cushions See fun bags.
fur burger n. Minge; hairy pie.
furgle v. To copulate rudely, crudely or noisily.
furry bicycle stand See fish mitten.
furry hoop See furry bicycle stand.
furry mongoose n. Bushy animal that eats snakes.
futz n. US Vagina.
fuzzbox n. A box (qv) easily distinguishable because of its fuzzy appearance; hairy pie.
fyst n. 15thC. Foul smelling fart.

G
gadzooks! exclam. Corruption of ‘God’s hooks’ (a reference to nails used in the crucifixion). Once a high ranking swear word, but now safe to use, even in front of the vicar.
gag v. To vomit; puke; spew.
gagging for it adj. What women are thought to be when viewed through beer goggles (qv) of higher magnification. Also choking for it.
gak n. Jizz; mess; manfat.
galloping knob rot n. VD; any painful social disease resulting in the production of gleet (qv) and the pissing of metaphoric tin tacks.
galloping the lizard v. Frenzied use of the wanking spanners (qv) to take the pant piston into sixth gear (qv). Also galloping the maggot.
gam v. Common abbreviation of gamahuche.
gamahuche (ga-ma-hoosh) v. The act of cunning your partner’s lingus. See French.
gammon flaps n. 1. Hole in a farmhouse door through which pigs come and go at will. 2. Beef curtains (qv). Also known as gammon goalposts.
gang bang n. A bike ride on which a group of males share one bicycle between them.
garbonzas See gazungas.
Gary Glitter rhym. slang Shitter. Also council gritter.
garlogies n. Knob cheese (qv). See also Helmetdale.
gash 1. n. Vulva. Conveniently rhymes with “Hoy, giz a flash of your...” 2. n. Plural of females; totty; blit; bush; talent.
gazoo n. Arse; bum.
gazunda . gozunda n. Potty; chamber pot.
gazungas See Gert Stonkers.
gay adj. Limp of wrist; tending to ask others to shut doors; critical of the “dust in here”.
geek n. Freak.
geeze bag n. Wind bag; fart pants; prolific pump artist.
gender bender n. Effeminate, flowery male of indeterminate or obscure sexual orientation, e.g. Marc Almond out of Soft Cell.
genitalia failure n. To suffer loose sausage meat (qv), brewer’s droop; marshmallowing of the love muscle.
genital floss n. Skimpy bikini bottom. See also banana hammock.
gentleman’s relish n. A polite term for jizz (qv), such as what might be used by society folk at a tea party.
George v. US Roger.
German n. Water sports (qv). Compare talk German.
gertie n. 1. Fanny; minge. 2. collective Women; blart. As in “Let’s gan oot an’ gerrus a bit o’ gertie”.
Gert Stonkers See gon-zagas.
get n. Bastard; twat. Often applied to children, prefixed “You cheeky little...” and accompanied by a swipe to the back of the head.
get a click v. To score; pull; tap off, with a view to getting boots (qv).
get boots v. US To get it on (qv); get your end away.
get it on v. To get off , get it up (qv) and get your oats.
get it up v. A significant part of getting your end away after getting off (qv).
get off teenage v. Get a click; first step towards getting your oats (qv).
get off at Edge Hill v. Coitus interruptus; withdrawal before ejaculation. Edge Hill is the last station before Liverpool Lime St. Also Edinburgh Haymarket, Newcastle Gateshead, Leeds Marsh Lane etc.
get up them stairs v. The cry from a chauvinist male to his wife which indicates that he has finished eating, drinking and watching football, and now wishes to retire to the bedroom to make an ungainly and flatulent attempt at sexual intercourse.
get wood v. The opposite of getting loose sausage meat (qv). Also get string.
get your oats See get your end away.
get your end away See get it on.
ghost shit n. Stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up and turn round to admire it. Compare crowd pleaser.
gib v. 1. To bullshit. 2. To gate crash. 3. To stick your old man (qv) up a chickens arse and slam its head in a draw. See also donkey punch.
gibbon gristle n. Penis.
gick n. Eire Shit.
gigglers n. Suspender belt. “Get past there and you’re laughing”. Also giggle band.
giggling pin n. Penis.
gimp n. Physically inferior person; he or she of low esteem; cross between a wimp and a git, sort of thing.
ginger beer rhym. slang Willie Woofter.
gink n. Geek; short sighted man in a cheque suit and bowler hat.
give Ronaldo a rub down v. Celebrity slaphead wanking terminology. See also Strangle Kojak, take Captain Pickard to warp speed, Spurt Reynolds.
give the dog a bone v. To sexually satisfy a female. Also give the cat a goldfish.
glaze a knuckle v. To wank.
gleet n. Unpleasant mucropurelent discharge caused by gonorrhoea.
glob v. To emit viscous fluid slowly and rhythmically, especially gloy (qv) or similar substances.
glory hole n. US Of cottage (qv) plumbing, that hole made by bosching (qv), through which fudge packing pipes may be passed.
glory wipe n. The token arse wipe required after passing one of those rare but pleasant stools which slip out clean as a whistle leaving hardly a trace of Eartha Kitt (qv) on or around the balloon knot (qv). Compare ghost shit, crowd pleaser.
Gloy n. Mess; semen. From the paper glue once used in schools. As in “Oops, I think I’ve just trod on the Gloy bottle”.
glue gun See goo gun.
gob 1. n. North and South. 2. v. To spit; hockle. 3. n. A body of lung butter (qv) so propelled.
gob job See blow job.
gobble n. Noise made by turkeys.
gobshite n. Scouse Someone who talks crap, like Liverpudlian hotel staff on fly-on-the-wall TV shows.
going down 1. What a bird does “on you” prior to giving you head (qv). 2. An expression often used to describe the imminent movement of a lift.
goit n. Geek; gork; gink; gonk. Another versatile ‘g’ insult.
golden shower n. A vile sex act; unfortunate mix-up in a crowded German bathroom. See also water sports.
golden rivet n. HMF Navy Freckle; the apple of the captain’s (qv) eye for sailors who polish the other end of the deck.
gonad glue See Gloy, Aphrodite’s Evostick.
gonk n. In rub-a-tug shops (qv) a customer; trick; John; a punter.
gonzagas See Guns of Nav-arone.
good afternoons n. South African How Sowetans greet a prominent Francis (qv).
goo gun n. Your pocket paste dispenser; jizz stick.
goolies n. The colloquialism for testicles least likely to offend a grandparent.
goose v. To tickle a sexually sensitive area, e.g. the arse. orig. To copulate.
gorblimey n. A type of trousers popular among council tenants in the 1950s.
gorilla salad n. Pubic hair. Compare gibbon gristle.
grape smugglers n. Tight gentlemen’s briefs, as worn by porno stars in the 1970s.
Greek n. The French (qv) suck it, the Dutch (qv) make a sausage sandwich (qv) with it, but the Greek supposedly prefer to dip it in chocolate sauce.
Greek sauna See Dutch oven.
grime bubble n. Fart; air biscuit.
grind v. To have sex; copulate. From the older descriptive term bump and grind.
grin like a wanking Jap sim. To grin broadly, as a Nissan executive might do as he turned (even more) Japanese (qv) as he neared the vinegar strokes (qv) on his approach to the Billy Mill roundabout (qv).
gristle thistle n. Persistent purple headed weed commonly occurring in moss cottage (qv) gardens.
groaner n. A turd so big that it cannot be expelled without vocal assistance. See also ‘U’ blocker.
grogan n. Scot. A log; turd.
grommet n. 1950s Totty.
grow a tail v. To defecate; build a log cabin.
growl at the badger v. To noisily scoff the hairy pie (qv).
grub See biffin.
grumble rhym. slang ****; quaynt; placket; Berkeley. From ‘grumble and grunt’.
grundle n. US Barse (qv).
grunties n. Jobbies; faeces.
grunts n. The type of ugly bints (qv) whose blurred Polaroid pictures appear on reader’s wives pages.
gubbed adj. Trousered; wankered.
guck See gunk.
guard’s van n. Of pulling a train (qv), the least desirable position in the queue. As in: “Bagsy I’m not in the guard’s van fellas”. The last gang bangister on the bike.
guff v. To fart; let off.
guff cloud n. The noxious vapour produced by guffing.
guided muscle n. Penis. See also meat seeking pissile.
gums around the plums, get your v. Amorous suggestion made frivolously by a male to a female.
guns of Navarone n. Whoppers; tits; large breasts.
gurgler n. Toilet; shite pipe; drain. As in “Have you got a coat hanger? I was spewin’ up last night an’ I coughed me fuckin’ falsies down the gurgler”.
gurk v. 1. To burp. 2. Aus. To fart.
gusset typist n. A woman who wanks. Also gusset pianist. As in “I’ve heard she plays the gusset piano”.
gusset nuzzler n. Fanny nosher; lesbian.
gusset sugar n. A more romantic euphemism than muffdruff (qv) but essentially the same thing.
gut grunt n. A burbulent (qv) rumbling, or any subsequent anal emission.
gypsies (kiss) rhym. slang Piss.

[The Joker]

Noice 1's m8!!!