roger mellys Profanisaurus A to C

[doolz]

A
aardvark v. US To shag; bonk; go horizontal jogging.
a bit n. Some of the other (qv), but not necessarily an entire portion (qv).
ACAB All Coppers Are Bastards. Popular forehead tattoo.
acorn n. That little bell end(qv) from which tall oaks grow... when you get wood (qv).
Admiral Browning n. Chocolate log; that which sinks the Bismarck (qv).
afterburner n. Of farts and farting, a pyroflatulatory anal announcement; blue streak (qv).
aim Archie at the Armitage euph. Urinate. Also point Percy at the porcelain.
air bags n. Breasts.
air biscuit n. Fart; botty burp. Floating body of trouser gas. As in “Could you open a window. I think somebody has launched an air biscuit”.
air your guts v. To puke.
airing the orchid v. Beating about the bush; gusset typing (qv). (Orchid is also Greek for testicle).
almond n. 1. rhyming slang Penis; cock. From ‘almond rock’. 2. Original rhyming slang Socks. 3. An imperial measure of semen, approximately one stomach full.
almond flakes See mammary dandruff.
anal announcement n. Rasping noise made by the play of noxious air through the sphincter; fart; chuff; beef; trouser trumpet; anal exhalation.
angel n. Pillow biter; passive male homosexual. See also sponge.
anus n. Doctor-speak for the council gritter (qv).
apache n. 1. Sex without a condom; riding bare back. 2. Popular hit by sixties guitar combo The Shadows.
apeshit adj. Mental; ballistic; doolally.
Aphrodite’s Evostick n. Semen; human bonding fluid. See also Gloy, glue gun.
apple catchers n. Generously proportioned knickers for the fuller figure.
aris n. Convoluted cockney rhyming slang for arse. From Aristotle - bottle - bottle and “glarse” - arse.
around the world n. 1. Rub-a-tug shop (qv) equivalent of a sugar cone double 99 with raspberry sauce and hundreds and thousands. 2. Aus. Licking the rim (qv).
arse 1. n. Once the official term for the Gary Glitter (qv), now replaced by anus. 2. exclam. A negative reply, expressing denial. As in “Did you steal my pencil?” “Did I arse”.
arsecons n. Of information technology, those computer keyboard symbols used illustratively to indicate the condition of an arse. e.g. Normal arse (_!_) Lard arse (__!__) Tight arse (!) Sore arse (_*_) Slack arse (_o_) etc.
arse-feta n. That inedible cheese(qv) matured in the narrow passage leading to Cadbury alley (qv).
arse-grapes n. Descriptive term for Nobbies(qv); haemorrhoids.
arse-piss n. Diarrhoea; rusty water; anal fire water; Jap flag juice.
arseholed adj. Intoxicated; shit-faced; rat-arsed; blotto; having partaken in an excess of wallop (qv).
arse man n. He who prefers arses to legs or tits.
Arsenal are at home euph. Nick Hornby’s bird is chasing the cotton mouse; has the painters in, etc. Arsenal can be replaced by any football team who play in red. Scotland Aberdeen etc.
arse wipe n. Toe rag; menial person.
artichoke n. Aus. Ugly slapper; wrinkly boot.
articulate the archdea-con See bash the bishop.
art pamphlet n. A jazz or scud magazine; one handed reading material.
ass n. US That part of the body the whooping of which indicates a comprehensive victory, and of which the invitation to kiss is often made rhetorically.
assets n. Of British tabloid journalism, a girl’s breasts.
at it adj. Engaged in copulation. The use of this term is restricted to disapproving neighbours. As in “Tssch. Sounds like those two next door are at it again”.
audition the finger puppets v. Shuffling the Kit-Kat. See Kit-Kat shuffler.
auntie n. Old quean (qv).
aunt Mary n. Vagina. (Not to be confused with auntie or Mary).
aunty’s round euph. girlspeak A visit which, not unlike having the painters in, can affect a girl’s social life. As in “Sorry love, not today. Aunty’s round. But I can play tennis if you like”.
awaken the bacon v. Sexually arouse the male; stimulate the penis; polish the pork sword (qv).
axe wound n. Also hairy axe wound. That central vertical division in a ladies box (qv); gash; vulva.
Aztec two-step n. Diarrhoea dance along the lines of the Tijuana cha-cha. Also Turkish two-step.

B
baby’s dinners (ba-beez di-naz) n. Breasts; tits; pink passion blancmanges.
babia majora US n. Quantity of babes; attractive girls.
baby gravy euph. Semen; smegma. Also baby bullion.
baccy pouch n. Overgrown mapatasi(qv). See also pant moustache, bear trapper’s hat.
back door conquistador n. An ombre who wears a coco sombrero (qv).
back door boogie n. 1. Heterosexual The ritual dance which accompanies a game of hide the salami(qv) when playing canine rules. 2. AC/DC The theme tune for Pot Brown.
backfire v. To fart; blow-off.
back passage n. Anal exit and/or entrance.
back scuttle v. To scuttle (qv) from the back.
backstroke roulette See hitch-hiking under the big top.
back seat driver 1. n. Car passenger who criticises the driving of another. 2. n. Gentleman who puts his sixth gearstick (qv) up the exhaust pipe of another.
backwards burp n. Fart; air dump; tree monkey.
back wheels n. Bollocks; balls. As in “What a gob. She even managed to get me back wheels in”.
bacon bazooka n. Penis; pork sword; the pink oboe.
badge . badger n. Fanny. As in “Show us yer badge”.
bag n. Slapper; boot.
baggage boy n. Of pooves and poovery, the opposite of a pillow biter (qv); stone (qv).
bagging v. Shagging.
bag ladies’ period sim. Foul tasting. As in “Don’t buy Mrs Timpkin’s home made jam, vicar. I’ve tasted nicer bag ladies period”.
bagpipe v. To ignore the pink and the brown, and shove the cue straight into the top corner pocket; armpit sex.
bahookie n. Scot. Arse.
baibhe (bye-b) Gaelic n. Rough old slapper; a boot.
bairn’s sock, trying to get a roll of carpet into a sim. To emphasise a large penis.
bald-headed hermit See bald man.
bald man n. The penis; Kojak; Captain Pickard; Spurt Reynolds (qv) etc. Also the old man. (Not to be confused with bald man in a boat (qv)).
bald man in a boat n. Female genitalia; hairy pie. Not to be confused with the skin boat (qv).
Balkans, the n. In British Carry On films, a vague euphemism for the testicles; bollocks. Other geographical double entendres include the Urals, Khyber pass.
ball v. To bonk; nob; bang; shag.
Ballarat Aus. n. A fully erect penis. As in “Are you ready yet Bruce?” “Almost there Sheila. I’m nearly at Ballarat”. See also Lake Wendouree.
ballocks n. The original spelling of bollocks.
balloon knot n. Ringpiece; chocolate starfish. A puckered gazoo (qv).
ball buster n. Sexually aggressive female; cock chomper.
ball bag n. Bag in which balls are kept; nad sack; scrotum.
balls 1. n. Testicles; those spherical spunk factories on the Scrots Road Industrial Estate. 2. n. Courage; guts. As in “I like him. He’s got balls”. 3. exclam. Denial. As in “Has he balls got balls!” 4. n. Rubbish; nonsense. As in “Balls! Of course he’s got balls”. 5. n. Round things you play football with.
balls deep adj. A pork sword (qv) buried to the hilt; the maximum length which it is possible to slip someone; in a sausage and donut situation (qv) the maximum extent to which the sausage can be hidden.
bam pot n. Head banger; heed the ball.
banana hammock n. Skimpy undercrackers or swimming trunks. The male equivalent of genital floss.
banana yoghurt n. Breakfast alternative to porridge (qv), to either swallow or spit (qv).
bang v. To have sex; to shag. e.g. “She bangs like a shithouse door in the wind”. n. Sexual encounter; a shag.
bangles n. Most delicate part of the family jewels (qv).
banger hanger n. Pole vaulting pit; sausage receptacle. See cockwash.
banjo n. On the penis, that thin ridge of skin connecting the roll-neck to the bobby’s helmet (qv).
banjoed adj. Pissed up; tanked up; wankered; arseholed; sloshed; rat arsed.
bannocks exclam. Scottish equivalent of bollocks (qv). n. Jockspeak for nads; knackers; plums.
baloobas See bazoomas.
baps (baaah-ps) n. N. Ire-land Breasts. e.g. “Phoaar! Will yer look at the baps on that?”
Barclays rhym. slang Wank; J. Arthur Rank. From Barclays bank.
barf v. To vomit; call Huey; puke; bowk.
barf bag n. Sick bag, as found on an aeroplane. Also a useful alliterative insult.
bargain bucket n. An overemployed and overstretched fanny; welly top.
barking carrots v. Parking tigers; to vomit; puke; sing a rainbow.
barking spider n. Ringpiece; freckle; chocolate starfish.
barse n. The perineum; that little bit between your balls and your arse. Also biffin bridge, stinkers bridge, chin rest, taint etc.
bash-the-bishop v. To masturbate; burp the worm; toss; bank with Barclays (qv).
basket making v. Archaic term for shagging, basket meaning ‘bastard’.
bastard n. A football referee.
bat’s wings n. Delicate alternative to beef curtains (qv).
battered kipper n. Kipper (qv) in fanny batter (qv) often with extra scrunchies.
batting for both sides euph. Bowling from both ends, as opposed to the Pavilion end.
batty-boy n. W. Indies Tail ender who habitually bowls from the Pavilion end (qv).
bawd n. Very old fashioned term for a rub-a-tug shop (qv) proprietress.
bazoomas See begonias.
bead curtains n. Dangleberries; toffee strings. Not to be confused with beef curt-ains (qv).
bean flicker n. Lesbian.
beard n. 1. Ancient Hairy pie; mapatasi. 2. Recent A woman married to a gay man in order to conceal his true sexuality. As in: “Do you reckon that Sophie’s a beard then, or what?” See also whiff of lavender, frock.
bearded clam Aus. Vag-ina; fanny. As in “How did you get on Bruce? Did you spear the bearded clam?”
bear trappers hat n. Hairy front bottom. As in “She had a fanny like a bear trapper’s hat”. Also Davy Crockett’s hat.
beat-the-meat v. To avail oneself of a ham shank; perform the five-knuckle-shuffle (qv); pull your pud.
beaver n. 1. US Female pubic hair. 2. Fanny; blart; the female genitals and/or females in general.
beaver cleaver n. Primitive male weapon for splaying beaver.
beaver lever See joystick.
bed flute n. Wind instrument closely related to the pink oboe (qv).
beef n. A fart.
beef bayonet n. Penis; cock; pork sword; love torpedo.
beef curtains n. Of women’s genitalias, those folds of skin known as the labia minora, or small lips. Or indeed piss flaps.
beer callipers n. Imaginary leg splints with the aid of which wankered (qv) stragglers making their way home from the pub at closing time.
beer goggles n. Imaginary optical aids through which ugly women begin to appear attractive after you have drunk too much beer. As in “What? You fancy that!?! You must be wearing beer goggles”.
beetle bonnet n. Female pubic mound as viewed through tight pants, or when shaven. From the design of the classic VW car. See also camel’s foot.
bee stings See fried eggs.
begonias See bejonkers.
bejonkers See bouncers.
Belgian biscuit n. Jam in the middle? Icing on the top. Nice cherries. Enough said?
Belisha beacon n. Flashing orange globe on a black and white pole, named after the British Transport Min-ister in 1934.
bell n. Clitoris. As in “You can ring my b-e-e-ell, ring my bell. Ding dong, ding dong”.
bell end n. The glans of the penis; purple helmet.
bell-swagged adj. To be endowed with a large bell end on a contrastingly small stem or shaft; mushroom rigged.
belt-fed mortar Army sim. As in “I bet she bangs like a belt fed mortar”. See also shithouse door in the wind; kangaroo shagging a space hopper, singer.
belly flopper n. A clumsy brown trout (qv) whose graceless entry into the water causes splashing of the arse.
benefactor n. Of farts and farting, he who supplies it. Also known as the donor.
beneficiaries n. Those who ‘benefit’ from the odour of another’s fart. The fartees, as opposed to the farter. See also break company.
bender n. 1. Prolonged drinking spree; Leo Sayer (qv). 2. A queer fella. See gender bender.
bend the elbow v. To go for a beer goggles (qv) fitting.
bent adj. Homosexual. As in “He was as bent as a nine bob note”.
Berkeley Hunt rhym. slang Quaynt (qv).
berry n. A sexual deviant; kinky person. Also one who shags animals.
Bertie 1. n. Male homosexual. 2. A proper Charlie (qv).
Betty Swollocks n. Polite term for knacker discomfort; sweaty bollocks.
bevvy v. & n. Booze; drink.
biff See bob.
biffie n. Bog; shitter.
biffin n. Sweat secreted in the biffin bridge (qv) area during coitus.
biffin bridge See barse.
biffing plate 1. n. Beetle bonnet ; monkey’s forehead. 2. sim That which is flat. As in “Christ! This lager’s as flat as Naomi Campbell’s biffing plate”.
biffon n. That part of the female anatomy between the bottom and the vagina, which the man’s balls biff on during intercourse. Also the taint.
big bamboo n. Penis.
big cock day n. A day, quite possibly in spring, the arrival of which is greeted with the dawn horn (qv) and throughout which the sap continues to rise. For example ‘As he wrestled himself into his shreddies, D’Arcy knew it was going to be a big cock day’. (Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austin).
bike n. Of women, an easy lay. She who has been frequently ridden. Often prefixed with a location. e.g. “You don’t want to go near her mate. She’s the office bike”. Also bicycle.
bikini burger See hairy pie.
Bill Grundies rhym. slang Undies, trollies etc. (Unlike Roger Mellie, Bill Grundy was a television host who preferred to let his guests do the swearing.)
billiards See pocket billiards.
Billingsgate box n. Minge. Based on a Cockney comparison between fish and fanny odours.
bill poster’s bucket sim. Large paste filled fanny. As in “She had a fanny like a billposter’s bucket”.
Billy Mill roundabout n. Climactic point of masturbation. From the end of A1058 coast road near Newcastle. As in “My mum walked in just as I was coming up to the Billy Mill roundabout”. See also vinegar strokes (qv).
Billy Wright n. Legendary Wolverhamtpon Wanderers footballer, latterly immortalised as rhyming slang for shite.
bimbo n. Joanne Guest.
bimboid adj. Appertaining to Joanne Guest.
bint n. Derogatory term for a silly old slapper; a bird; Joanne Guest.
bird n. An inanimate young woman. As in “Phoar! Is this your new bird? She’s a bit of alright, ain’t she”.
biscuits 1. n. UK Contents of the stomach after a heavy night’s drinking. As in “Get me a bucket, quick, I’m gonna chuck me biscuits”.
2. n. US Attractive buttocks.
bit n. Unspecified quantity of sex, usually partaken “on the side”.
bit of fluff n. Singular piece of totty (qv).
bit of rough n. Sexual partner, usually male, from a lower echelon; he who would wipe his cock on your curtains. e.g. Lady Chatterley’s Lover.
BJLs Blow job lips, as opposed to donkey kisser’s lips (qv).
Blackpool rock n. Dinosaur egg; stool produced (with some difficulty) after necking too much of the Nigerian lager.
bladdered See blitzed.
blanket ripper n. Back draught in a Dutch oven (qv).
blart n. Vagina. Also collective n. Women; totty e.g. “Golly gosh! This pub is heaving with blart”.
bleed the lizard v. Reptile relative of siphon the python.
bletherskate Scot. n. Shit-for-brains; fuckwit; twat. Literally meaning bag of shite.
blick See muffdruff.
bliff n. Minge; front bottom.
bliff mag n. Pornographic magazine; rhythm mag; art pamphlet.
blind cobbler’s thumbs See chapel hat pegs.
blit n. See blivvet.
blitzed See blotto.
blivvet See blart.
blob n. Condom; French safe; French letter; rubber Johnny. Not to be confused with on the blob (qv).
blood orange n. The arse after being savaged by a particularly vicious chocolate shark (qv). See also Japanese flag.
bloody adj. The perfect sweary aperitif for a “fucking”, ideally followed by the “hell” dessert.
bloomers n. 1. An item of women’s underwear. 2. Any unfunny and self-indulgent ‘mistake’ made on camera by a BBC employee which can later be transmitted as part of a tiresome ‘comedy’ compilation.
blotto See blootered.
blootered See banjoed.
blow off v. To trumpet through the trousers; parp in the pants.
blow job n. Dangerous sex act whereby the female inflates the male’s testicles like balloons by blowing air into his penis.
blow mud v. To noisily expel a loose stool; crop spray (qv).
blow your biscuits v. To puke; yawn in technicolour.
blue balls n. Bollocks which are fit to burst through lack of use. ‘Nuts like a tin of Fussell’s milk’.
blue dart n. That brief but exciting pyrotechnic display achieved by igniting one’s air biscuits (qv).
blue veined piccolo n. Penis; cock. Also blue veined custard chucker / Havana / rocket, etc.
blurter n. 1. Aus. Chocolate starfish; ring. 2. A little fishy that thoo shalt have on a little dishy, when the boo-ert comes in.
boak See bowk.
bob See boff.
bobby’s anorak n. Kojak’s roll-neck; foreskin.
bobby’s helmet n. Bell end. From the distinctive shape of the British police constable’s hat which manages to look like a tit and a bell end both at once.
boff See bonk.
bog n. Lavatory.
bog snorkelling v. Dirtbox (as opposed to muff) diving.
boiler n. An ugly woman one would prefer not to service. e.g. Potterton 180 upright; Myson.
boilerdom n. The state of being a boiler into which many fat girls pass directly upon reaching puberty.
bollocks n. 1. Nonsense; balls, as in: “That’s utter bollocks, that is”. 2. Knackers; balls, as in: “Them’s massive bollocks, thems is”. See also ballocks.
bollock service n. Wank. As in “My balls are blue. It’s about time I had them in for a bollock service”.
Bologna bop n. Solo sausage dance also known as the Roman helmet rumba.
bomb bay n. The arse; the area of one’s body towards which the rear gunner (qv) is attracted.
bone n. Erect penis.
boner US n. An erection; stiffy.
bone xylophone n. Advanced gynaecological term for the interior of a woman’s rib cage; her slats (qv). As in “Let’s go play the bone xylophone”.
bonk See biff.
bonk-on n. Erection, as in: “A copy of Fiesta and a box of tissues please, Mr Newsagent. I’ve got a right big bonk on in my pants today”.
boobs See boobies.
boobies See boobs.
Boris n. Vagina. Term used by females, apparently.
Bosch v. To drill a hole between cubicles in a public lavatory for the purpose of spying on, or making your penis available to, the botter (qv) in the adjacent cubicle. See also sports bag.
bott v. A sex act performed by botters (qv).
botter (bot-ah) n. He who botts.
bottom n. That which the botter (qv)botts (qv); bomb bay; backside; butt; arse.
botty burp n. A burp from the bottom; trouser trumpet; fart.
bouncers See diddies.
bourbon n. Fancy ‘licker’. Someone who is good at horatio (qv).
Bourneville boulevard n. Arse; fudge tunnel. Used to denote homosexuality, as in: “I believe he strolls down the Bourneville boulevard”.
Bovril bullets n. Stools; excrement.
bowel bugle See bowel howl.
bowel howl n. Fearsome wailing of the anus; the sound of your supper.
bowel trowel n. One of a selection of tools at the disposal of the uphill gardener (qv). See also cheesy wheelbarrow, trouser rake.
bowk v. To barf; vomit; spew; yak; hoy up; bake a pavement pizza (qv).
bowl from the Pavilion end v. To bott; travel on the other bus (qv).
box n. 1. The vagina. As in: “I wouldn’t mind getting into her box”. 2. In cricket, a gentleman’s protective device worn around the undercarriage (qv). As in: “Ooyah me pods! I wish I’d worn a box”.
box of assorted creams Aus. n. She who has recently been over accommodating to a number of gentlemen; a promiscuous female with a fanny like billposter’s bucket.
box the jesuit v. 17thC. How Robin Hood and his merry men would have referred to bashing the bishop (qv).
Brahms and Liszt rhym. slang Pissed.
brap n. The volume rating of a fart (Bp) governed by three variables;- rectal pressure (r), buttock friction (f) and sprouts consumed (SpC).
Buttock friction (f) can be reduced to zero by pulling the ringpiece open wide during emission.
brass eye n. Hog’s eye; brown eye; chocolate starfish.
break company v. To disrupt a gathering of benefactors (qv) by the release of a pungent botty breeze.
breast fest n. Those summer months during which women sunbathe topless.
brewer’s droop n. Marshmallowing of the penis due to excessive alcohol intake.
brewer’s fart n. A particularly strong smelling fart. As in “Fuck me, he’s just dropped a brewer’s fart, grains and all”.
brew one up v. To be burbulent; to bake an air biscuit (qv). As in “For your own safety step back please ladies, I’m brewing one up over here”.
Brillo pad sim. Coarse vaginal hair. For example, a red headed (collar and cuffs (qv)) Scots lassie might be described as having “A mott like a rusty Brillo pad”.
brick shithouse sim. Heavy set; stocky; well built. As in “She was built like a brick shithouse”.
brim n. Skirting around the base of one’s helmet (qv).
Bristols ryhm. slang Tits. From Bristol Cities - titties.
broat See vurp.
Bronx cheer n. Fart. (This archaic term is now used only on whoopee cushions).
brother n. Lesbian; bean flicker; tuppence licker; carpet muncher.
brown bullet-hole n. Bumhole; barking spider.
brown eye n. The ring (qv) through which the brown trout (qv) jump on their journey down the pan.
brown hatter n. One who bowls from the Pavilion end (qv) and in so doing tarnishes his bobbies helmet (qv).
brown trout n. A turd; big job; shite.
brown pipe engineer n. A plop plumber who always visits via the tradesman’s entrance (qv).
brown wings n. That honour bestowed on a man after he has completed a successful spell of bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
B.S. US abbr. Bullshit.
B.S.H. British Standard Handful. The unit by which breasts are often measured.
bucket fanny n. Spacious or roomy vagina. Also Tardis twat, cathedral, welly top.
buffage n. US Men. Used as a female equivalent of totty (qv). As in “Hey girls, check out the buffage in here”.
buffty Scotch n. Gay fellow.
bugger 1. n. He who pokes either of the two ‘A’s, arseholes or animals. 2. v. To break; damage; fuck.
buggers grips n. Sideburns. Also bugger’s handles.
build a log cabin v. To pass an enormous stool. As in: “I wouldn’t go in there mate. Someone’s just built a log cabin”. Also U blocker.
builder’s bum n. The protrusion of fat, sweaty arse cheeks above the sagging waist of the jeans, common among builders and council workmen. Also known as bricky’s crack, Dagenham smile.
bull abbr. Bullshit.
bulldog eating porridge sim. Vagina in the aftermath of sex. As in “She had a fanny like a bulldog eating porridge”.Earliest recorded use in Shakespeare’s Henry IV, act II. “And lo, do I see that my ladies’ bulldog hath been eating porridge again?”
bulldog chewing a wasp sim. An ugly face. “She had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp”. Also bulldog licking piss off a nettle. See also welder’s bench.
bulldyke n. Butch, masculine or aggressive lesbian. See also stone.
bullshit (Eddie Murphy bull-shee-it) 1. n. Rubbish; nonsense. 2. v. To lie; deliberately mislead; talk rubbish to.
bum 1. n. Arse; poop chute. 2. US n. Hobo; tramp; pan handler (not to be confused with pan handle (qv)) 3. v. To scavenge. As in “Can I bum a cigarette off you”. (Not to be confused with bum cigar (qv)) 4. adj. Unjust; unfair. As in “Hey man! This is a bum wrap. I want to see my brief”.
bum bandit n. A robber, outlaw or highwayman, who steals people’s bottoms.
bum chain n. A rather intimate version of the Conga supposedly danced by those on the other bus (qv). See also daisy chain.
bum chums n. Primary school term for alleged gays.
bum cigar n. In after dinner conversation, a stool. “Well, if you’ll excuse me ladies, I think I’ll nip upstairs and light a bum cigar”.
bum conkers See bum grapes.
bum crumbs n. Kling-ons (qv) which have ceased to kling. Usually found in the bed or in the gusset of the trollies (qv).
bum fluff n. Derisory pubescent attempt to grow a beard. Not to be confused with a beard (qv).
bum grapes n. An itchy, red grape which grows well in the shaded regions of the Khyber Pass (qv).
bum gravy n. Diarrhoea; rusty water.
bumtags See dangleberries.
bung hole n. Vagina. See fizzing at the bung hole.
bun in the oven adj. Pregnant; up the stick. As in “Guess what love. I’ve got a bun in the oven”. “Shut up will ya. I’m watching telly”.
bunko booth n. Shithouse; lavatory cubicle.
bunk up n. 1. Bonk; shag. As in: “Darling, you look beautiful tonight. Any chance of a bunk up?” 2. Assistance climbing, as in: “Shit. I’m so pissed I can’t get onto the bed. Giz a bunk up will ya?”
buns n. Regional variation of baps (qv).
burbulence n. The anal intonation of a fart; tummy rumbling which precedes the breakage of wind.
burial at sea n. The dignified delivery of a stool, without splashback (qv). The opposite of a depth charge or belly flopper (qv).
burly n. Bum wipe; toilet paper; chocolate shark bait.
burn bad powder v. Of trouser trumpeteering, to light a tyre; emit fysts (qv).
burp the worm See bash the bishop.
bury a quaker v. To dispense with the contents of one’s rectum; crimp one off; release a payload from the bomb bay.
butcher’s window, the n. Female genitalia.
buttered bun See box of assorted creams.
buttock broker n. Controller of prostitutes; pimp.
buttock hall n. Meat mart; knocking shop; dance hall frequented by loose women.
buttock jig n. Horizontal dance, the steps to which are similar to the blanket hornpipe.
button n. Clitoris.
button groove n. Vulva; hairy axe wound.
button hole n. That hole (qv) below the button (qv) which the button does not at any stage go into.
butt slammers n. derog. US Members of the gay community.
butt sneeze n. US Fart.
bush n. Female pubic hair; mapatasi (qv).

C
cabbage n. Girls; totty. As in “I’m looking forward to going out this evening. I hope to pick some cabbage”.
cabbage fart n. Noxious anal emission of cabbage gas (qv).
cabbage gas n. Naturally occurring pyroflatulatory bum gas used to power Dutch ovens (qv).
cable laying v. To excrete solid stools. As opposed to crop spraying (qv).
cack . cacka 1. n. Shit; excrement. 2. v. To papper (qv), usually one’s trollies.
Cadbury alley See Bourne-ville boulevard.
call down for more mayo v. Jack the beanstalk.
call Huey v. Vomit; puke. Also call Ralph, call Ruth.
camel’s foot n. Of leggings and tight jeans, those mounds and crevices generated in a ladies crotch when they are pulled up too tight. Also Camel’s toes. See also Twix lips.
camp adj. Effeminate. As in “You should have seen him mince. He was as camp as a row of tents”.
can US n. Bottom.
captain n. Penis; Fagan (qv). As in “Say hello to the captain”.
Captain Hogseye n. Curly bearded seafarer with a shiny, bald, purple head who trawls in cod cove (qv) and spits a lot.
Captain’s Pie n. 1. Hairy pie caught fresh by Captain Hog’s Eye; haddock pastie (qv). 2. Of ship’s catering, that pie which belongs to the captain.
carnival n. Of extremely old jokes, a sexual position where a woman sits on a man’s face and he has to guess her weight.
carnival knowledge n. Latin phrase meaning to have sex. As in: “Have you had carnival knowledge with your wife within the last two weeks?”
carpenter’s dream n. Sexually promiscuous woman. As in: “Flat as a board, and easy to screw”.
carpet muncher n. One who scoffs hairy pie (qv), usually a female.
Casanova’s rubber sock n. Condom; blob; French letter.
cat n. Homosexual man. (From the Latin catamite - a boy kept by a man for immoral purposes).
cat flaps n. Labia minora; beef curtains.
cathedral sim. Describing an oversized vagina. To the owner one could remark “By goodness! My organ’s never played in a cathedral this size before”.
cattle rhym. slang Cattle truck - fuck. Also trolley (and truck), Friar (Tuck) or Russian (duck).
cauliflower n. Sex. e.g. “I fancy doing a bit of cauliflower”. 18thC. slang vagina.
cavalier n. Uncircumcised penis.
cedar burp n. Small outbreak of chocolate thunder; a fart.
chalfonts rhym. sl. Piles; bum grapes. From Chalfont St. Giles.
chapel hat pegs sim. To describe large, erect nipples. As in “Phoarr! She had nipples like chapel hat pegs”. Also pygmies’ cocks; Scammel wheel nuts.
Charlie rhym. slang. ****. From ‘Charlie Hunt’. As in “You look a proper Charlie”.
Charlies n. 70s Tits.
charms n. Of British tabloid journalism, the breasts. Usually prefixed “ample”.
charver 1 v. US To have sex; shag. 2. UK Boy; lad; adolescent. 3. UK Be-track-suited twocker; borstal boy; male equivalent of a slappette (qv).
chase the cotton mouse v. To have the painters in; flags out; surf the crimson wave.
chebs n. Tits; breasts.
cheek flapper n. A fart which registers highly on the brap (qv) scale.
cheese See knob cheese.
cheesepipe n. That pipe associated with cheese (qv).
cheesepipe clingfilm n. Condom; rubber Johnny.
cheese ridge n. The fertile area of the penis where knob cheese (qv) is cultivated. Also banjo (qv).
cheesy wheelbarrow n. The penis, as it might appear while being pushed by an uphill gardener (qv).
cherry n. Virginity. See pop her cherry.
chest pillows n. Breasts.
chewing on a brick v. Of logs and logging, that desperate point when the turtle’s head (qv) and indeed shoulders protrude and the arse is left “chewing on a brick”.
chew your own arm off v. To have difficulty getting away from an ugly woman with whom you wake up no longer wearing your beer goggles (qv). If she was asleep on it, you would ‘chew your own arm off’ in order to escape. See also coyote, trout.
chichis Mexican n. Tits; breasts. Those which have no appeal to a coco sombrero (qv).
chicken n. Young gay male; teenage hitch hiker on the Hershey highway (qv).
chickenhawk n. Hershey highwayman (qv) who prays on said chickens.
Chinese singing lesson, to take a v. Have a much needed piss.
chin rest See duffy’s bridge.
chin splash n. Condition caused by trying on a pearl necklace (qv) that is too big.
chimney sweep See choco-late chimney sweep.
chocolate cha-cha n. Roof-top dance in the style of Dick Van Dyke, but performed by chimney sweeps of the chocolate variety.
chocolate chimney sweep n. He who uses his purple headed womb broom (qv) to clean poop chutes (qv).
chocolate eye n. Bumhole.
chocolate fountain n. A spectacular, anal, upside down firework ignited in the lavatory to celebrate having a belly full of beer and a dodgy curry the night before.
chocolate iceberg n. Giant turd sitting in the trap (qv), the tip of which protrudes above water level.
chocolate shark n. Unlike its relative the brown trout, the appearance of this giant beast from the bumhole often causes panic among toilet-goers.
chocolate shark angler n. Fisherman who sails his skin boat (qv) up the cocoa canal.
chocolate speedway n. Bumhole; poop chute.
chocolate speedway rider n. Purple helmeted star of the dirt track.
chocolate starfish n. Rusty sheriff’s badge (qv); Bovril bullet hole.
chocolate thunder n. Tail winds; a trouser typhoon. Also under thunder.
choke the chicken or choke the goose See bash the bishop or burp the worm.
choozies Aus. n. Breasts.
chopper 1. n. Penis. As in: “That Andy Cole couldn’t score in a brothel with a £50 note wrapped round his chopper”. 2. n. Fancy orange bike that fat kids owned in the 1970s. 3. n. Helicopter.
chrome-dome n. Slap head; baldy.
chubblies n. Fat bird’s choozies (qv).
chuck up See honk up.
chuck your muck v. To drain one’s spuds; ejaculate.
chuckies n. Balls.
chudleighs (chud-leez) or chuds. See chebs, Charlies, charms or indeed chichis.
chuff 1. v. To pass wind; shoot a bunny rabbit. e.g. “Oops! Best open a window vicar. I’ve just chuffed”. 2. n. Vagina; ladies front bottom. 3. n. Anus.
chuffdruff n. Those residual flakes of manfat (qv) and fanny batter (qv) found upon the mapatasi (qv). Pubic equivalent of mammary dandruff (qv).
chuff mountain n. Surplus of female guests at a party.
chuff nuts See dangleberries.
chuftie plug n. Tampon.
chunder Aus. v. To produce a pavement pizza (qv); to barf.
chunk v. To vomit. Also blow chunks.
chutney ferret n. Potholer in kak canyon (qv); botter.
chutney locker n. Rectum. Also date locker.
circle n. Vagina. Euphemism used by Shakespeare in Romeo and Juliet. Still useful nowadays, as in: “Any chance of a ticket for the grand circle tonight, darlin’?”
circle jerk n. A shared round of hand shandies (qv).
clagnuts n. Dangleberries. Also tagnuts.
clam jousting n. A sexual encounter between lesbians. Also Velcro fastening.
clam ram See fanny battering ram.
clam smacker n. Lesbian; bean flicker.
clap, the n. Any sexually transmitted disease, but usually gonorrhoea.
clapometer n. Imaginary medical instrument used by doctors to diagnose the clap. As in “Don’t touch her. I hear she scores tens on the clapometer”.
clappers n. 1. In farting, the buttocks. As in “Christ! That one didn’t half rattle the clappers”. 2. That part of a bell like which you go.
clarts n. Tacky excrement, such as would cling to the lavatory bowl above the water level rather than slip into the water.
clear the custard v. To have a long overdue wank. e.g. “Ooooooh... I’ve got balls like boulders. I’d better nip upstairs and clear the custard”.
clinkers Aus. n. Difficult to remove poo particles; toffee strings; winnets; kling-ons; dangleberries.
clodge n. Vagina.
clown’s pocket sim. To describe the bigger, baggier and perhaps yellow and red checkered vagina. As in “She had a fanny like a clown’s pocket”.
cludgie n. Shitehouse; lavatory; thunderbox.
clusterfuck n. A regrettable situation of immense idiocy.
cobblers ryhm. slang Balls. From ‘Cobbler’s awls’.
cock 1. n. Penis; willy; knob. 2. n. A person to whom a chirpy Cockney wishes to speak, esp. when prefixed by “Wotcha...” 3. n. A sort of chicken.
cock block n. Bed. As in “I wouldn’t mind lying that on me cock block”. See also shag slab.
cock porridge n. Messy load fired from the porridge gun (qv).
cock snot n. Semen. As in “Copy of Fiesta... oh, and a box of tissues. I think my cock has a cold coming on”.
cock sucker n. Of road rage incidents, a wanker; a motorist who cuts you up.
cock smoker n. A lady who plays Horatio (qv) on the trouser trombone.
cock tease n. Woman who wears ‘fuck me shoes’ and then changes into ‘fuck off slippers’ when you get back to her place.
cockwash n. Vagina. As in “It’s about time I put this through the cockwash”. See also token for the cockwash, municipal cockwash.
cocoa sombrero n. Mexican variation on the brown hat.
cod cove See fish mitten.
cods n. Balls. Often prefixed “A kick is the”.
coffin-dodger n. Affectionate term for an incontinent, elderly relative.
collar and cuffs euph. Matching hair colour, up top and down below. As in “See that blonde. Do you reckon her collar matches her cuffs?”
Colwyn Bay Welsh seaside rhym. slang Gay.
command module n. Bell end; glans.
combustoflatulation n. The highly dangerous act of flame throwing with one’s trouser trumpet. Also pyro-flatulation.
con n. French ****.
con artiste, une n. Muff diver.
cones n. Breasts, especially pointy, orange, dayglo ones found alongside the M25.
conkers See hairy conkers.
Constable n. Rough shaven minge.
convoy cock See travel fat.
cop a feel v. To get one’s fingers (qv) or tops (qv).
copper bolt v. Very heavy or solid stool.
corn beef cudgel n. Short, thick trouser stick the “taking up” of which relieves gentlemanly tensions. Also corn beef lighthouse.
cornhole 1. n. US Brass eye; ring; balloon knot. 2. v. To shove your cock up same.
corybungo n. Arse; backside.
costume drama n. The frantic behaviour of a woman who cannot decide what to wear for a party. See also period drama.
cottage v. To go house hunting on Bourneville boulevard (qv), looking for something a bit more solid than a log cabin (qv); to wank in a public lavatory, in George Michael’s case in front of an undercover police officer.
cotton mouse See tampon.
cough cabbage water v. Ejaculate; tread on the gloy bottle.
council gritter rhym. sl. Shitter; arsehole; dirtbox. As in: “Watch that one. I hear he takes it up the council gritter”. Also Gary (Glitter), apple (fritter).
court Madam Knuckle See Madam Palm and her five sisters.
cowboy walk n. Broad, rolling gait required when walking to the bog with the turtles head (qv) exposed.
coyote See chew your own arm off.
crabs n. Pubic lice.
crab ladder n. Penis.
crack n. 1. Minge; fanny. As in “Close your legs honey, folks will see your crack”. 2. Banter; gossip; conversation. As in “Have you heard all the crack about your crack? Everyone must have seen it.”
crack a fat v. To achieve an erection.
crack a stiffy See crack a fat.
crackerjacks n. Testicles. As in “I’m off upstairs to whack me crackerjacks”.
crackling n. Totty; talent. Goes well with the verb to pork.
cranberry dip n. A special recipe for hairy pie (qv) available only during rag week (qv).
crank 1. n. Penis. 2. v. Ham shank.
crap 1. n. Shit. 2. v. To shit.
crapper n. Lavatory. From the German inventor of the self-cleaning water closet, Thomas Shitehousen.
crash the yoghurt truck v. RTA at the Billy Mill roundabout (qv); empty the wank tanks; discharge the trouser Mauser (qv).
cream v. To ejaculate, as often as not in “your pants”.
crepitate v. Posh word for fart.
crimp off a length v. Naval slang See curl one off.
crimson crowbar n. Penis. Also jizz jemmy.
crimson wave Also crimson tide. See surfing the crimson wave.
crotch crickets n. Crabs.
crouton n. Erection; bone; stalk; stiffy.
crop spraying v. To have diarrhoea. As opposed to cable laying (qv). A doctor may enquire: “So what’s the old shitter been up too then? Cable laying or crop spraying?”
crow US n. That muck which has been chucked, esp. onto the mapatasi (qv); post porking residue on the hairy clam (qv). See also muffdruff.
crowd pleaser n. Unusual or noteworthy stool which you feel an urge to show to someone before you flush. Possibly a U blocker (qv) or a copper bolt (qv).
crumpet n. A traditional Scottish cake made of soft light dough, eaten toasted and buttered, much craved by the late Sid James. Originally a euphemism for buttered bun (qv). Also fresh from the bakery muffin, tiffin, tart.
crusties n. Overworn knickers lacking in ‘April freshness’; those panties with a dirty drip tray (qv).
cuckold 1. n. A man whose wife plays away from home. 2. v. A wife who plays away.
cum 1. v. The mis-spelling of come commonly used by the authors of reader’s letters in jazz magazines (qv) to describe male ejaculation or its (bell) end product.
cumulo nimbus n. The posh Latin term for oral sex; stimulation of the clematis.
cunnifungus n. Female equivalent of knob cheese (qv).
**** n. The female genitals. Once common parlance, the term has been considered impolite since the end of the 14th Century. Not recommended for use in front of the mother-in-law. See also Charlie.
cunny n. Fadge; vagina. (From the posh Latin word cunnus meaning ‘shagpipe’ and coney meaning ‘hairy rabbit warren’).
**** bubble n. An air lock up the fanny, often leading to a minge burp.
cuntstruck adj. Besotted; hopelessly in love.
cupcake n. Small quantity of fart gas caught in the palm of the hands and then deposited in a person’s face.
Cupid’s toothpaste n. Cross between Aphrodite’s Evostick (qv) and denture glue; that which women spit (qv) or swallow (qv). Also tapioca toothpaste.
curd n. Jizz, or gism (qv).
curl one off v. To carefully deliver a stool. See also three coiler.
curler n. A lump of excrement, having been curled off.
curtain drop n. Labia length; size of a woman’s beef curtains (qv). As in “Excuse me love, I’m doing a bit of measuring up. What’s the drop of your curtains?”
curtain rings n. Pierced labia. See beef curtains.
cut the cheese v. To fart. Also cut the Brie, etc.
cushion creeper n. One who discreetly manoeuvres their buttocks on a chair in order to minimise brap (qv) and thereby silence a fart. See also one cheek sneak.
custard cannon See lamb cannon, mutton musket.
Cyclops n. Fabled one eyed trouser god who vomits when he is pleased.

[The Joker]

Class m8