NTL Complaint Letter...

[Nick_greenwood]

I found this highly funny as I also used to be an NTL customer...


Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
working day smoking
B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further
57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two
weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such
as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still
not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived...
six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I
estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to
your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled Bollock
jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back);that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be
transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine
informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to
someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend
to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to
voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending
hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were sh*t, that
they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations,
that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful
or more obstructive to delivering service

to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - W*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my
futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment
from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver any such activity will be greeted
initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision,
and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected
with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter
and complete contempt for both you and your
pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated
during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I
would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their
rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my
feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.


Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
tw*ts.

John

[Duke]

the blokes spot on

[simzzzz]

superb I had to write a complaint letter yesterday to Orange wish I read this 1st for some tips.

[Jamie Lee]

Thanks for sharing this. I couldn't think of a more worthy recipient than NTL!
A big to them!!

Love it

[blandy]

Ha ha spot on!

[Dee]

lmao! Love it!