Some top tips

[simzzzz]

Top Tips
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto!
The blockage is almost instantly removed
2. Before attempting to
remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in
permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it
has
gone.
3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next
to the object you wish to view.
4. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself
while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
5. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
6. Weight
watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar
in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing in the
first place, you fat b*stard.
7. Save on booze by drinking cold tea
instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a
hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a
public swimming pool in your home
by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed'
condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas
inside it before you put it on.
10. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt
by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
11. Anorexics. When your knees
become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
12. An
empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
13. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids
by
running a bit slower.
14. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your
next fag from the butt of your last one
15. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
the difference.
16. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then read the rest in a randomorder.
17. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
18. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.
19. 'Smart' car drivers. Attach a lighted
sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You
drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like
one.
20. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

[Saysay]

LOL!!

[very puddled]

ha ha

[Duke]

funny as fooooook sum top tips there

[Sam]

Great tips