various jokes

[dods]

>I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs
>are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India
>and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja
>over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
>Charles Turner
>
>
>What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
>one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
>chocolate!"
>The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
>flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story
>straight.
>T Potter
>
>
>I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
>would be largely pointless.
>Mike Potts
>
>
>
>Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' also say
>'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.
>Christina Martin
>
>
>
>Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to
>remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I sh*t the bed.
>What's healthy about that?
>Mark J, Barnsley
>
>
>I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
>testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
>Neil Palmer
>
>
>ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
>her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the
>couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to
>the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had
>mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step
>and Out On A Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
>www.heathermillsmccartney .com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
>to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have
>got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare
>of publicity.
>A Cherry, Leeds
>
>
>
>THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
>teaching post is, how sh*t must the other people at the interview have
>been?
>T Thorne, London
>
>
>Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?
>Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end
>to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
>Stu Bray
>
>
>THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. B*ll*cks! I am an
>athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the
>best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
>Ashley Smith
>
>
>I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
>wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes.
>Wise move.
>Martin Mannion
>
>
>
>Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
>Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30pm.
>Colum Hill
>
>
>My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
>cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark
>to make than this?
>Alun Daniel
>
>
>When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
>was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
>lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the
>poor sod's face told a different story.
>Tommo, Hull
>
>
>What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
>the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that!