Celebrity Grudge Match - Tigger v. Hobbes

[Tigger]

The Scenario

At a stuffed animal convention in Las Vegas, both Christopher Robin and Calvin happen to be seated at the same table. Deep in conversation, both neglect their poor little stuffed tigers--Tigger and Hobbes. "Stuffed" is not an accurate description of these two critters as both are simply starving. Off in the distance (in the unicorn section of the room), they both spot a tuna sandwich fall on the floor. The blur that ensues can only be described as a "Grudge Match."

So, Brendan, which animated animal will acquire the ample entree?


V.

The Commentary

Brendan: First things first, we know that CBUB already did this match, ok? As such, anyone who mentions that in their response is going to be punished as harshly as Texas Due Process (now 48% reliable in captial cases) allows. Specifically, they will be automatically entered in our Win a Dream Date with Devin contest. You have been warned.

Ok, with that out of the way, we can now get down to the business of explaining why Tigger's got it all over Hobbes.

Tigger has the experience. While Hobbes has been limited to merely hunting a six year old human child, Tigger has had an entire forested ecosystem filled with a vast array of animals to practice the deadly arts in. Furthermore, Tigger has survived under extreme conditions. He's been through a flood, he's survived being stuck in a tree, he's even been through a blustery day. All of this has given Tigger the skills needed to win.

Tigger also has the allies. Rabbit can stockpile any needed supplies, Owl can run aerial recon, Eeyore can plan the strategy (anyone who has mastered the intricacies of Pooh Sticks is a tactical genius of the first order), and if that's not enough to guarantee victory, Tigger can always count on Kanga using her womanly wiles to bring Hobbes to his knees (or have we forgotten how easily Hobbes is distracted when there is a lady present). And need we forget who else is in Tigger's corner. The big man himself, who will gladly help Tigger out if he gets in trouble. Yes that's right, Tigger can call on the Narrator.

By contrast, Hobbes can only count on Calvin for backup, and while no one respects the diabolical genius of Calvin more than myself (I still want a recount in the Bart vs Calvin match), we all know what will happen if Calvin and Hobbes try and work together. They will end up fighting each other over what the G.R.O.S.S. supersecret handshake should be or something like that, guaranteeing a Tigger triumph.

Hobbes is about to learn that kicking ass is what Tigger's do best.

Mark: Looks like somebody didn't read the scenario. Like the part that says "The blur that ensues...." Eeyore and blur can only be used in conjunction with each other when taking an eye exam. Besides, if someone is proclaimed tactical officer because he can figure out which way the creek is flowing, you have some major intelligence problems. And what exactly is Rabbit going to stockpile? Carrots? Lettuce? Besides, as history has shown time after time, anything Rabbit stockpiles is going to be un-stockpiled by Tigger.

By the way, the narrator is on holiday, too. My guess is he's down the street watching Sigfried and Roy. (Probably annoying everyone around him with his narrating.)

It's interesting that in one paragraph you refer to Hobbes' experience as "merely hunting a six-year-old human child" and two paragraphs later that same child is a diabolical genius. I think you have discredited Hobbes' experience. He's been left in the woods overnight. He's been through the washing machine many times. He's survived a burglary. Heck, according to the shirt my wife received as a resident of Perrin Hall at Northwest Missouri State, he's been in the shower when Calvin flushed! That's about as painful as any "Texas Due Process." I think Hobbes would consider a blustery day a well-deserved relief.

The real need here is speed, though. Certainly, Tigger could bounce from here to there. But the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Hobbes sprints straight. Tigger arcs all over the place. Hobbes can't lose.

Finally, kicking ass may be what Tiggers did best, but in the time it took you to write that, what Tiggers do best changed five times. Good golly! Even politicians don't claim to "do best" at as many skills as Tigger claims.

When the end comes, G.R.O.S.S. will stand for "Great Rout Over Silly Subspecies."

Brendan: Charging straight ahead? This is how Hobbes is going to win? I suggest you read up on a little something called World War One to see what happens when your battlefield tactics consist of nothing more than charging straight ahead.

As for your mockery of Eeyore, High General of the Army of the Hundred Acre Woods, I must remind you that he masterminded far more than just which way the creek was flowing. He also figured out that you had to drop the sticks in a twitchy sort of way; strategic thinking worthy of Patton.

And I am truly amazed that you would actually bring up the burglar incident as proof of Hobbesian prowess? Have you forgotten where Calvin finally found Hobbes on the day of the burglary? Yes, that's right, hiding under the covers. Not mauling the burglars as one might expect a tiger to do in such a situation, but hiding under the covers like a wussy little fraidy cat. And its not exactly like burglars are that hard to scare off either. Maccualay Culkin defeated them, even my family's Sheltie Shelly (I didn't name her, all right) drove one off a couple of years back, but Hobbes was driven into hiding in a display of cravenness that would have shamed even the Cowardly Lion.

Tigger's got the skills, he's got the backup, he's even got the theme song. And after he takes care of Hobbes, he will be the only one.

Mark: I believe the NRA would like a word with you. Remember, burglars are the folks who make it necessary for every true American home to be armed with handguns, automatic weapons, and, of course, aircraft carriers. And am I to take it that if you were entering a home and saw Macauley Culkin you wouldn't turn tail and run? I certainly would. Yeesh! Dude's spooky! The aim is survival. Hobbes survived the burglar and Hobbes will survive Tigger.

I didn't mock Eeyore. I mocked the qualifications needed to be the gang's tactical officer. I suppose, Mr. WWI expert, the war was won by the soldiers firing their guns in a "twitchy sort of way." (And what did WWI teach us about bouncing up in the air?) If Hobbes were trying to conquer the Unicorn section of the room, he probably wouldn't sprint. However, since he wants to be the first one to the sandwich, speed seems tactically advantageous.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Tigger and his friends. So much so that I have about 5 neck ties with their images. However, with Hobbes’ speed, mandibles of death, and catlike reflexes, it seems very unlikely that Tigger’s wind endurance can match up to Hobbes’ abilities.

Yes, yes. I know. Tigger has his own theme song. Great! Call me when it's Tigger against Ally McBeal. In the meanwhile, I'll be hangin’ with Hobbes, dining on some fine sandwiches. Now, please pass me the potato chips.

So OSA, who wins and how - it's up to you.......