Irish Jokes - Some old some not so old

[ClaireB]

IRISH BLOOD
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt
something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it
be blood!!"

IRISH SHOPPING
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was
filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave. "S' cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what
McQuillan had done, "What was that all about?" "Nothin', said the
Irishman, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

YOU'VE BEEN OUT DRINKING AGAIN!
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave
and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face
again. He decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at his
door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door
and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly
fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow. He was awakened the next morning with his wife standing over
him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent
look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

I'VE LOST MY LUGGAGE
An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if
he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me
luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

WATER TO WINE
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the
priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks
at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

THE BROTHEL
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the
brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the
brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the
cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other
Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin'
victim to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the
brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity; one of the
girls must be quite ill!"