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Thread: crap joke corner

  1. #91

    Join Date
    Mar 2006
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    The cultural center of England.....Birmingham
    Posts
    1,969
    beer joke .....
    Attached Images Attached Images crap joke corner-what_the_beer_is_for-1-jpg 
    AVFC

    PS3 gamer name simzzzz

  2. #92

    Join Date
    May 2006
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    2,277
    Garge, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Gander for paintings.

    One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Garge if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay £50,000.

    Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Garge asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

    In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, " Would be me pleasure ma'am. Missus says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..........."

  3. #93

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    May 2006
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    2,277
    I was buying a large bag of pelleted dog food at Waitrose and was queuing in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no - I was starting The Dog Food Diet again, although, I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. However, as I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms so I was going to try it again.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet as the food is nutritionally complete and that the way it works is to load your trouser pockets with the pellets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me?

    I told her no, I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls when a car hit me.

  4. #94

    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Where the streets have no name
    Posts
    2,460
    Knock Knock
    whose there
    wannap
    wannap who
    -go the toilet if you wannapoo

    knock knock
    whose there?
    needap
    needap who
    -go to the toilet if you needapoo

    Knock Knock
    whose there?
    hadap
    hadap who
    -dirty bastard you should have gone to the toilet and hadapoo

    hehe sorry couldnt resist
    "The mind is most often a wonderful thing, but, it can be a fearsome enemy."

  5. #95

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    May 2006
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    2,277
    Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
    Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
    Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
    Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
    Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said,
    .
    .
    .
    .
    I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!? and rode off as fast as he could.

  6. #96

    Join Date
    Apr 2006
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    2,020
    hehehe i have been lmfao at some of these jokes, especially the whats orange and sounds like a parrot,1, and the chocolate bunnys. if you guys like this sort of humour you need to get a copy of - tim vine - live. dvd. if you havn't heard of him, he is the guy in the guiness book of records for telling the most jokes in an hour. he is funny as f**k, all crap jokes like most of these on here,that soon have you wetting your pants

    anyway here is my entry into the crap joke thread


    a rolo who was out of town on a bit of business, decides to go out for a drink. so he goes to the local bar, hops on a stool, and orders himself a pint.
    its not long into his pint when 3 really big boiled sweets come bursting into the bar, they walk straight up to the rolo and 1 says 'OY YOU THATS MY F***ING STOOL".
    the little rolo was not gonna stand for this, so he told the big sweet, where to go.
    the 3 big boiled sweets went crazy, they dragged the rolo off his stool and kicked seven bells out of him, he was a right mess, chocolate and caramel all over the shop.
    so the little chap gatherd up all his caramel and tipped it back into his chocolate cup and moved to the opposite end of the bar.
    about 15min later a smartie comes walking into the bar, hops onto a stool next to the rolo and gets himself a drink.
    a few moments pass, when the smartie sees the little rolo is looking a bit down, and asks him if he's alright.
    not really, replied the rolo "iv'e just had a right old hiding off those 3 big boiled sweets over there".
    the smartie has a look over and says "ooh you need to watch those guys, they are a right set of bullys. they dont mess with me though, im the hardest sweet in these parts, if they give you any more trouble, just come and find me, i will sort em out for you"
    cheers said the rolo, and buys the smartie another drink. they end up making friends over a few more drinks and then go their seperate ways.
    the next night the rolo decides to go vist the bar again, and not too long after, his new smartie friend comes in and joins him.
    the smartie asks the rolo if he has had any trouble, and just as the rolo is telling him he has't, the 3 big boiled sweets come in again.
    they walk straight over to the rolo and 1 of them tell him to move out of his seat. the rolo glances at the smartie and the smartie gives him a wink, so he tells the big boiled sweet to go f**k himself.
    the big sweet saw red, and just as he was gonna lay into the rolo, the smartie stands up and says "if you mess with my rolo mate, you will have to mess with me too" the 3 big boiled sweets, bricked it big style and appoligised to the rolo, then made a swift exit.
    thanks said the rolo to his new pal, "you really saved me from a pasting there mate " and buys the smartie another drink, no prob said the smartie no 1 messes with me i'm the hardest sweet in town.
    a couple of drinks later and a big locket, comes into the bar. the locket walks straight over to the rolo and tells him to get his monkey arse out of his stool.
    the rolo glances over to his smartie friend, but the smartie has got his head down.
    the rolo turns and tells the locket to get f****ed...... the locket grabs the rolo, throws the little fella onto the deck, and kicks the living daylights out of him.
    there was caramel and chocolate splatterd all over the place. the poor injured little chap collects up all his caramel and slips it back into his chocolate cup, and swiftly moves down the opposite end of the bar, to where his smartie pal had sloped off to.
    you turncoat he says to the smartie, i thought you were my friend and that you were really tuff, you said you would watch out for me, then you just run off and leave me to get a kickin, why didn't you help if you reackon your so tuff.???
    the smartie replies " i am tuff...but i dont mess with that guy, he's f***ing menthol.

  7. #97

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    Jul 2006
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    wirral
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    1,456
    I Got Stung By A Bee 2day.

    £25 For A Jar Of Fuckin Honey.

    WE ALL SMILE. WE ALL SING
    FINE YOUNG GALAHAD

  8. #98

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    Apr 2006
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    been to doctors today cos i cant stop dreaming about lord of the rings.
    doctor says i must have been tolkien in my sleep.

  9. #99

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    May 2006
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    1,712
    Quote Originally Posted by leaky View Post
    been to doctors today cos i cant stop dreaming about lord of the rings.
    doctor says i must have been tolkien in my sleep.

    hahahahahahahahaha love it!

  10. #100

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    Apr 2006
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    a shipwreaked sailor eventually washes up on a desert island.
    he awakes to find the sky has turned a lovely shade of purple.
    he also notices that the beach has also turned purple.
    he looks out to sea and that has turned purple too.
    then he notices the palm trees have also changed.
    he checks himself and finds his hands have turned purple.
    and so have his feet, and all his clothes, in fact everywhere he looks has gone purple...
    its not long before it dawns on him that he's been marooned....

  11. #101

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    Jan 2005
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    Butty's pub :D
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    A man goes to a fancy dress party in his underpants………..another man asked him…..What the hell have you come as? In which he replies premature ejaculation. You what? asked the very puzzled man. I’ve cum in my pants!

    Groan I know


    Everything is ok in the end, if it's not ok then it's not the end

  12. #102

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    Apr 2006
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    2,020
    went to a seafood disco last night.
    ended up pulling a mussel.

  13. #103

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    Oct 2011
    Posts
    4
    Stephen Hawking is so paranoid, always looking over his shoulder.


    I'm going to hell
    Last edited by WHAT NOW; 30th October 2011 at 02:54 AM.

  14. #104

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    we're on the road to nowhere,HA! come on and drive
    Posts
    938
    My wife is so behind the times. We were in the car yesterday and the new Amy Winehouse single came on and she said she would like to see her in concert. She didnt believe me when I tried to explain she was dead, so just to keep the peace I said I would sort it out for her.Dear Jim,....

  15. #105

    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    3
    A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

    Officer: You were speeding.
    Man: No, I wasn't.
    Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
    Man: But I wasn't speeding.
    Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
    Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
    Officer: Yes, you would.
    Man: What if I just thought that you were?
    Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
    Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

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