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Thread: crap joke corner

  1. #76

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    1,712
    Bernard Manning -

    A bloke walks into a pub with a crocodile under his arm.
    Landlord says "get that fucking thing out of here", but the bloke says "hang on wait a minute, he does tricks, I've brought him down special to show everyone".
    So the landlord says "alright then fair enough, show us his tricks but first sign of any bother & yer both barred".
    "fair enough then" says the bloke & puts the crocodile down on the bar.
    He grabs the crocodile's top jaw & pulls it open. The crocodile just sits there & doesn't move.
    Next he's whipped his flies down, pulled his cock out & stuck it in the crocodile's mouth.
    "watch this" he says & reaches behind the bar for the landlord's baseball bat (it was a rough pub, in manchester somewhere obviously). He's grabbed the bat & twatted the crocodile over the head with it.
    The crocodile doesn't even flinch, just sucks in a breath sharply because of the pain.
    The bloke removes his cock totally unharmed from the crocodile's mouth to the amazement of everyone in the pub.
    "Right then" says the bloke "anyone else wanna have a go for fifty quid?"
    This little old lady in teh corner stands up & shuffles over to the bar.
    "I'll have a go", she says "but yer better not hit me as hard as you hit that fucking crocodile".

  2. #77

    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    The cultural center of England.....Birmingham
    Posts
    1,969
    Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
    woman. The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy? Yes,
    Father, it is. And, who was the woman you were with? I can't be tellin' you,
    Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well, Timmy, I'm sure to
    find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda
    O'Malley? I cannot say. Was it Patricia Kelly? I'll never tell. Was it
    Sheilah O'Brien? I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. Was it Kathleen
    Morgan? My lips are sealed. Was it Fiona Grogan, then? Please, Father, I
    cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
    You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with
    you now. Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
    whispers, What'd you get? "Three month's holiday and five good leads!"
    AVFC

    PS3 gamer name simzzzz

  3. #78

    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Not far from Tesco's
    Posts
    1,966
    Q: How do you get a fat bird into bed?





    A: Piece of cake


    My records.... are my friends

  4. #79

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Redcar, Cleveland
    Posts
    12

    some of those are pretty bad guys, these aren't much better

    2 cannibals are munching on a clown, one of them says to the other 'does this taste funny to you?'

    Why are pirates called pirates?

    'Cos they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr'

    There are 2 fish in a tank, one of them says 'how the f*ck do you drive this thing'

  5. #80

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    2,277
    Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are talking about
    how they died.

    1st woman:
    I froze to death.

    2nd woman:
    How horrible!

    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

    1st woman: So what happened?

    2nd woman:I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

    1st woman:

    Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive!!!

  6. #81

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    2,277
    A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

    Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

    As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

    Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

    As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

    Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

    He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

    ************************************************** ************************************

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent
    babies.

    Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning,
    a resounding noise came form outside...

    The woman, sort of bewildered,
    jumps up from the bed and yells at the man,
    "s***! That must be my husband!"

    So -- the guy quickly got out of bed, scared and naked.
    He jumped out the window like a crazy man,
    smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn
    bush,
    then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

    Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the
    woman,
    "I'm your husband, you slut!!!"

    So -- the woman answers: "Oh, yeah?!!!
    And -- why were you running? You son-of-a-bitch!"

    ************************************************** ****************


    LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

    To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."

    ************************************************** *****************

  7. #82

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Staffordshire
    Posts
    147
    LMAO!!!
    They're not all crap - Either that or my sense of humour is!

  8. #83

    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Random place
    Posts
    122
    Quote Originally Posted by spiely
    Happy Easter
    hilarious, i cant stop laughing at that

  9. #84

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    4
    two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other..."can you smell fish??"
    .
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    .
    Two lions are walking down a high street, one says to the other..."not many folk around is there?"
    .
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    .
    Whats brown and sticky...?

    A stick
    .
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    .
    A dog had no nose, how did it smell?

    Terrible
    .
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    .
    Its world war 2, an englishman, a scotsman and an irishman all being chased by armed nazi officers. They find an alleyway to hide in an, and all crawl into 3 different sacks. One nazi officer, curious, walks upto the 1st sack which the englishman is in, gives it a harsh kick and the englishman replis "woof woof" the nazi officer thinks its just a dog. He walks upto the 2nd sack which the scot is in, kicks it and the scot replies "meow" nazi officer thinks its just a cat. He proceeds to the 3rd sack, which the irishman is in, gives it a kick and the sack replies "potatoes, potatoes"

  10. #85

    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Not far from Tesco's
    Posts
    1,966
    Quote Originally Posted by oldskoolfukwit
    WAT DO U GET IF A SCOUSER SHAGS A MANC?
    >
    >
    >
    >
    WARRINGTON
    LMAO n1


    My records.... are my friends

  11. #86

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    2,277
    a guy comes to his doctor and says "Doc, my peepee hurts"

    Dr. says, you've got chinese crabs, we gonna have to cut it off.

    He goes to another doctor, and the other doctor tells him the same thing.

    So he's completely freaked, he goes to a holistic healer, shows it to him, and asks the guy, "Do we have to cut it off?"

    Healer says, "Of course not."

    So the guy, massively relieved, thanks him.

    then the healer says, "It'll fall off by itself!"


    .................................................. ........................


    Two guys are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they collide.

    The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

    The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

    The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

    The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look like"?

    The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

    .................................................. ......................................

  12. #87

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    1,712
    Person 1: Knock Knock
    Person 2: Who's there?
    Person 1: Boo
    Person 2: Boo Who?
    Person 1: Oh for fucks sake pull yerself together

    (from "Little Voice"... top film)

  13. #88

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    2,277
    A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

    "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

    "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,
    come back and see me in a couple of days."

    The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

    "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

    "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

    "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

    "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

    "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

    "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

    "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

    "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

    "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

    "Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

    "NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

    "Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor
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    wait for it .... .... .... . ....
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    .
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    .

    .

    "Your mother must have been a carrier!"

  14. #89

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    2,277
    Daddy is explaining to little Mary that her cat Piddles has died and gone to heaven. He then explains that the reason Piddles' legs are sticking up in the air is so that God can reach down and lift him up to heaven.

    Little Mary tearfully nods her head and says goodbye to Piddles.

    A few days later Marys daddy comes home to find her crying again. "What is the matter now Mary?" daddy asks.

    "Mummy nearly died today" explained Mary.

    "I went into the bedroom to find mummy lying on the bed with her legs in the air and she was shouting "Oh God! Oh God! I'm coming, I'm coming" and if it wasn't for the milkman lying on top of her she would have gone".

  15. #90

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    2,277
    A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
    The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

    Fifteen minutes later, the man says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

    She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

    He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute.”

    The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you're going to do tonight?
    Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

    The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”

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