Toonarmy disaster

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Aid organisations have launched urgent appeals for donations to help victims of the Toonarmy disaster after more than 50,000 Newcastle fans were left devastated by their side’s inability to kick a ball.

Manager Graeme Souness has made a plea to use the money to tackle major disaster areas such as Titus Bramble and Andy O’Brien, whilst Kieran Dyer is desperately in need of some new clothes to fill his new two-acre walk in wardrobe.

A spokesperson for the appeal stressed that, “just £1 can buy a new dummy for Craig Bellamy, while £10 can buy Alan Shearer a new pair of slippers and matching blanket!”