few jokes for ya's

[blue jammer]

Never argue with a Woman – who reads!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Queensland. The
husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One
morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to
take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take
the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to
read her book. Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside

the woman and said, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a
book," she replied, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a restricted fishing area,"
he informed her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and book you ." "If you
do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," said the Ranger.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

+++++

Firming it up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said,

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept
silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said:

"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a fearsome grip in place, she said:

"You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of
the gardener,
the postman,
the pool man,
and your brother."

+++++

"The Box Under The Bed"

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said,
"I am putting a box under the bed.
You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said,
"I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.
Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane,
"So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans,
I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

+++++

Mississippi

A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage
in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says
the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come
again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I'm just telling my friend how to
spell Mississippi."

* not sure of that last one, if anyone finds it racist, feel free to just edit that one out, thanks