some jokes

[woody]

What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside

Q. How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?
A. Pass him a joint

Q. What do fish smoke?
A. Seaweed


Two tramps walking down the street.One tramp turns to the other and says "Have you shat yourself?"
No I haven't, you cheeky ****! said the other.
I don't believe you, take off your pants and show me, says the first one. The second takes off his pants and sees a big, brown shit stain on his underpants.
"See, shitty drawers! You did shit yourself! You make me sick!" said the first one.
The shitty one said "Ohhh, YOU MEAN TODAY?"


An old man was sitting on a bench at the local shopping centre. A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colours; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked
a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

What do women and KFC have in common?
When you're finished the legs and the breasts, you still have a greasy box to put your bone in.
This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. "Where is he?" he shouts. "Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?" "I don't know what you're talking about" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. "Aha!" he thinks, "That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife." He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.

So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home eartly from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter says "You don't belong here; go to Hell." He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me." St. Peter wags his finger and says "I heard about you... you go to Hell too." He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'

"Twenty-six."

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 20 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with really big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with really big tits?
Why kill a blonde with really big tits?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder
and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one
would give a fuck about the 20 million Iraqis!"



A drunk walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I wan't to rip your shirt off and suck on your boobies".

The woman points across the bar and says, "See that big, hulking guy over there, he's my boyfriend and if you don't leave be alone, I'm gonna get him to beat the crap out of you".

The drunk slinks away but soon musters the courage to try again, saying to the woman, "I want to take off your pants and lick your a$$".

Again, the woman says, "I'm not kidding, leave me alone or I'll get my boyfriend to kick the living snot out of you".

The drunk however is not deterred and whispers to the woman, "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pu$$y full of whiskey, and drink you dry".

In a rage, the woman crosses the bar to speak to her boyfriend. "See that drunk over there, he said we would rip my shirt off and suck on my boobies!".

The boyfriend stands up and says, "I'll kill him".

The woman goes on, "He also said he would take off my pants and lick my a$$".

The boyfriend turns red with rage and starts to cross the bar, but the woman holds him back and finishes the tale, "He then said we would flip me upside down, fill my pu$$y with whiskey and drink me dry"!

Suddenly the boyfriend turns pale and sits down. The girlfriend says, "What's the matter, aren't you going to kick the snot out of him?"

The boyfriend replies, "Anyone who can drink that much whiskey is too tough for me!"
An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer.
A fly lands in the Englishman's beer, and he just pushes the beer away and refuses to drink it.

The fly then lands in the Scotsman's beer. He just picks the fly out, and continues to drink his beer.

The fly lands in the Irishman's beer. The Irishman picks the fly out of the beer and begins to shake it violently over his cup and shouts, "Spit it out, you bastard!"
Two men were having a conversation. One man said "I bought
my wife a necklace and a scarf for her birthday, in case she
didn't like the necklace, she could cover it over with the
scarf.

The other man said "I bought my wife a book and a vibrator
for her birthday". The other man asked "Why buy her a
vibrator as well?".

The man replied "I told her that if she didn't like the
book, then she could go and f*ck herself".

A wife approaches her husband and tells him she's going to spend $5000 to have her breasts enlarged. The husband looks at her and replies, "I have a better approach that won't cost us any money. All you need to do is take some tissue paper, and rub it between your breasts once a day. Within a few years, your breasts should be twice their original size." The wife gives her husband a puzzled look and asks, "Why do you think this technique will work?" The husband replies, "Well, look at what it's done for your ass over the past few years".

A prostitute is lying in bed between tricks studying a dictionary. A koala bear enters through the window and performs oral sex on her. When the koala turns to depart, the prostitue says, "Hey, wait a minute." The koala looks at her, puzzled. "I'm a prostitute." says the prostitute. Still, the koala appears clueless. The prostitute turns to the entry for prostitute in the dictionary. The koala reads, "Prostitute: Person who engaged in sex for money." The koala then takes the dictionary, turns to the entry for "koala" and hands it to the prostitue, who reads:

"Koala: Australian marsupial that eats bushes and leaves."


A man walks into a bank, goes up to a lady teller and says, "I'd like to open an account in your damn bank".

The woman blinks and asks him if he'd like help, so the guy says "I told you I want to open an account in your damn bank"

She says "hold on, I'll get the bank manager".

A couple minutes later the bank manager comes in and asks the guy "what seems to b the problem, here?".

The guy looks at the bank manager and says,"I just won $10 million dollars in the lottery and I want to open a fvcking account in your damn bank!".

The bank manager says, "Is this b!tch giving you a hard time?"

A man walks into a watchmakers and asks the guy behind the counter,
"excuse me, you wouldn't by any chance have any potato clocks to sell?"
the guy behind the counter says, with a confused look on his face, "Sorry, I don't think I've ever heard of a potato clock before. What is it?"
to which the customer replies, "I have no idea either, but I start a new job today and in the interview my boss told me that I start at nine, so I'd better get a potato clock"

A mom and dad were caught having sex on the couch by their little girl. The daughter asked mommy what she was doing and the mommy said that they were baking a cake. Days pass and the little girl walks up to the mommy and asked, "were you and daddy making a cake last night?" and the mommy asked, "yes, why" and the daughter said, "I just licked the frosting off the couch"

Whats the difference between you dick and your bonus?
A woman will ALWAYS blow your bonus.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out

Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!", says Dave, "When are you going out?"

"Well, I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible.", says Dave.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

Scooby Doo

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

Hired Help

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''


The Lady and the Facelift

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?
The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''

The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''

The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''

The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''

After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her knickers.''

So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''

The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''

The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

Three Girls Go Camping

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."