Tarzan and Jane

[ZENZEN]

Tarzan and Jane

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."


Dart Team

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

“There's just one problem, “explained the model.”Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath.”

“That's not a problem,” replied Doris. “We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water.”

“What about your husband? asked the model.

“Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,” replied Doris.

“Good,” said the model. “Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight.”

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

“It's true, I tell you!” said Doris. “Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."”

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic Area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

“Well, do you believe me now?” she asked Fred.
“Yes, he replied. “I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?”

“Just to show you the difference.” answered Doris. “But I guess you've seen me millions of times.”

“Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't.”


Who Died The Worst Death?

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."


Voodoo Dick....

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a longbusiness trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sexdoll, but that was too close to another man for him.He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped."Except what?" the man asked."Nothing, nothing.""C'mon, tell me! I need something!""Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the'voodoo dick.'""So wha t's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an oldwooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, andstarted screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before thedoor could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back inyour box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more."I'll take it!" said the businessman.The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to £700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do wa s say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, andsaid "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd everexperienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, andthen asked how much she'd had to drink.Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"


This Bull
A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states "This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one."

The annoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."


Radio Call-In

This is a true story from a local Cork newspaper.
A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was
running a competition to find contestants who could come up with
words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could
still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The
prize was a trip to Bali for a week.

The DJ Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name
Caller: Hi, me name's Dave
DJ: Dave, what is your word
Caller: Goan.....spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Dave, 'goan' is certainly a word not found in the English
Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali
is: What sentence can you use that word in that would make
logical sense?
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself"

At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that
there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the following
caller:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff
DJ: Jeff, what is your word
Caller: Smee.....spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'
DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff.
'Smee' is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary.
Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What
sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"


NJoi,

[fugjostle]

good ones there mate.. keep it up