Tell us your favourite joke

[Tonksi]

Just wonderin what yer fave/funniest joke/s are....cause I need one fer me CV(loooong story)

[Recca]

Man City for Europe - Thats a joke!

[Fiona]

david beckham wins university challenge

[Jimmy]

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his undercrackers.
An wee lassie comes up to him and asks "What are you supposed to be ?"
The man replies "A premature ejaculation"
"What" says the woman
"Well I've just come in me pants"

Boom Boom . .......

[Tigger]

What do you call an asian drug dealer?

Abadabbadis!!

[woody]

paddy & mick are out shooting pheasants one day, one all of a sudden mick keels over in obvious agony, and promptly falls in a heap on the floor. after a minute or so of trying to wake him, paddy reaches in his pocket for his mobile and rings 999....

"which service do you require?"

" i need a fockin ambulence!" yells paddy
and his call is transferred

"ambulence service, what has happened sir, please try and stay calm"

"its mick!!!" yells paddy
"hes fockin dead!! he just collapsed and died"

"please remain calm" said the lady
"first we need to make sure he's dead"

"just a fockin sec" says paddy
followed by a few seconds silence....

"BOOM"

she hears a single gun shot and paddy picks up the phone again....

"now what??" says paddy..............

[Ed]

THis bear walks in to a bar and says

Pint of .................................................. .........................bitter please.

And the barman says "why the big pause"?

YOu can't put really dirty ones on can you!

[ZENZEN]

Hey Tonski,well here are two I thought where funny as feck but maybe not clean enough for your CV????

Joe and John....

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy . "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted .



Who wants to be a millionaire.....

Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.
Chris Tarrant says "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a set? Is it
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?

Fergie ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.
I'll have to go 50-50."
Chris says "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with."
"Badger" and "cuckoo" are the two remaining answers. Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure,I'm going to have to phone a friend." "So who are you going to call,Sir Alex?" says Chris.
"Hmmm..." ponders Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from'Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's".
"Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set?
"Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Fergie.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.Final answer."
"Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've won one
million pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the f**k did you know that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie.
"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."