Viz top tips/ letters

[Amelie]

Just read a few of these whilst in the bath, thought i would share them. I will add them as i go along a its taking me ages to type I can't be botherd with the names and add's though .

Letterbocks:

This consumer terrorism has gone to far. First it was glass in petfood, then fuse wire in baby food. And now while eating my cornflakes this morning i nearly choked on a small plastic dinosaur.What will these callous people think of next?

I thoght my luck was in the day a pretty girl approached me and asked me if i could get her a drink. Then i remembered- i was serving behind the bar at the time.

My son, who is unemployed decided to weed our nextdoorneighbours garden to pass the time. To his suprise, our delighted neighbour handed him £10 for his trouble. A most generous gesture.Naturally my son was over the moon- until the next day when a police officer arrived and arreste him. He's forgotten that i work for the DHSS, and had promptly reported him for carrying on paid work while claiming benefit.



Top tips:


Take your dustbin with you to the supermarket so you easily see which items you have just run out of.

Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and storing them in your garage


Everyday, make a list of everything you do and hand it in to your local police station. That way, you can be easily eliminated from their enquiries in the event of a crime.

Keep a tin of red paint in your car. If you see a motor accident you can pour it over yourself and pretend you were involved.

Save money on door bell batteries by going to the front door every two mins to see if there is anyone there.

When buying a camera, but two- then if you decide to sell one you can always take a picture for advertising purposes

[Dj M Jaxx]

hee hee...viz rules the world....its the one thing that brings a big smile to my face, when the month as been so shite

Thankyou Viz

[Shooms]

Originally Posted by Dj M Jaxx

hee hee...viz rules the world....its the one thing that brings a big smile to my face, when the month as been so shite

Thankyou Viz

you know it fella - I havent missed a single issue since 1989

[Northern Star]

Originally Posted by Shoomster

you know it fella - I havent missed a single issue since 1989

Trust you buster! lol

[el-presidente]

hee hee hee

viz top tips are the best !

n1

[Super Freak]

Viz is boss have ya seen the web site, its pretty cool

['Shabba']

Originally Posted by Shoomster

you know it fella - I havent missed a single issue since 1989

Great monkey books at great monkey prices!!!!!! That will stay with me forever, i've not laughed so much............err ever!!!!!!!!

Here's some more of my personal favorites!!!

"I've just finished watching crime watch UK, and at the end Nick Ross said "sleep well and don't have nightmares". How does he expect me to sleep well when he's just shown the nation a video of me doing an armed robbery on a post office in Worksop?"

"After extensive pondering, i have decided that i woud shag Veness Feltz given the chance, can any of your readers sink lover than this?"

"According to a recent survey, most wives are too embarassed to get undressed infront of thire husbands, i wish mine fucking was!!"

"On hearing Pink's new song "Don't let me me get me" where she begs for a day in the life of someone else i was filled with pity. I wrote to her offering to spend a day mucking about in a music studio while she could spend eight hours packing cheese before returning home to an alcoholic mother and her local felon boyfriend. I have yet to recieve a response"

"have you had an accident in the last three years? they ask, you could claim compensation they continue. I phoned claims direct expecting to be passed on to a solicitor and a big cash payout only to be told that drinking 15 pints of real ale, before sneezing and following through was not an accident!! It's not like i did it on fucking purpose!!"

And just for Jaxx!!!!

"I for one would not be amused if shaking Steven developed Parkinsons disease!!"

He he, it was like that when i got it..................."What!!!"

[Dj M Jaxx]

Originally Posted by Shabba

And just for Jaxx!!!!

"I for one would not be amused if shaking Steven developed Parkinsons disease!!"

He he, it was like that when i got it..................."What!!!"

Happy days.....remember me calling butty at 5am in the morning from outside London Victoria train station to tell him that, because it was the funniest thing i had heard in my life.....He was not happy to say the least lol...Sorry Butty...but i had to tell somone, and you where the first name on my phone list i could understand at the time lolol