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Tigger
29th January 2002, 08:40 AM
OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, in
the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (I.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences,
walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5
minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target
will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a
post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. The
traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a
Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun

BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.


CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from
home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of
the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and
arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels,
once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organised. Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year
will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The
Verve"

THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester, especially anyone
that appears to be mincing....

THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by
members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners,
synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Stockport community choir. The
flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable
pitch invasion by confused Man United organised hooliganism club. The stadium
itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and
remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Late News: Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the
above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: killing a spouse, digging
a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down'
contest.

To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing has
been waived this year.

rob s.
29th January 2002, 08:46 AM
lol - made me chuckle, did that :)

Top way to start the day - cheers Tigger :D