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Shooms
25th January 2002, 12:53 PM
SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A COCKNEY B**TARD

1. You say 'mate' constantly.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over 3.00 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'.
4. Anyone from outside London and north of Watford is a 'Northern
Wanker'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get
excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they
are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the
other day".
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car.
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.

SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A MANCHESTER TOSSER

1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer
it', "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of
it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick
your head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the
shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than 1.50 for a wrap of skag
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is

SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A SCOUSE GIT

1. You have an urge to steal.
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
5. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
8. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any
more.
9. You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras
10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
1. You say 'pish' all the time.
2. You say 'aye' all the time.
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's
pish'.
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of
pish like'.
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
6. You punch everybody you meet.
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words
'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you
have consumed since birth.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG

1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks
good.

5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoin, Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing
of it.
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat,
bread or potatoes
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the
time.
14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners
cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.