View Full Version : Mutu Saga Goes On....

11th December 2004, 03:41 PM
Following the unbelievably harsh seven month ban handed out by the FA to troubled former Chelsea striker Adrian Mutu recently, he was ordered to undergo stringent counselling sessions to treat his unsavoury cocaine imbibing habit. After covert surveillance involving days sat in the back of our old Transit eating doughnuts and urinating into a bottle.

After returning from counselling sessions, Mutu has engaged in marathon rounds of sadomasochistic rumpy-pumpy, devouring several kilos of finest Colombian gutter glitter from the calloused nipples of seven Kings Cross whores before slumping exhausted on his faux leopard skin duvet, his testicles shrunken like sun-dried raisins. Shockingly, Mutu’s depravity has not stopped at this tedious after-match entertainment enjoyed by the majority of Premiership footballers. During shameless searches through his wheelie bin outside his Kensington flat, we have discovered that he is addicted to the newest and most deadly prescription drug available today — suppositories.

Fast becoming the designer drug for the new millennium, these potentially deadly anal capsules are highly addictive and are often the next stop for users abusing soft drugs like cocaine or heroine. Mutu is believed to have become hooked on the rectal rush provided by these evil things after a post-match knees-up with close friend and webcam entrepeneur Leslie “Tugger” Grantham. It has now emerged that Chelsea had their suspicions for some time before Mutu was fingered that he was engaged in some form of substance misuse. The club agreed to cover-up the suppository use in favour of condemnation on the cocaine front, in compassionate efforts to spare him any further shame.

This has raised concerns that suppository abuse is becoming widespread amongst the country’s top Premiership stars, and gives rise to the widespread belief that sophisticated “masking” agents are being employed to avoid positive test results. Although botty swabs have recently been introduced to combat this growing menace and catch culprits, agents such as extra hot vindaloo curry and spicy chilli fajitas are being consumed to throw authorities off the scent.

Mutu did finally show some contrition for his wayward behaviour, and tried in vain to personally apologise and plead with the Chelsea manager, His Excellency Jose Mourinho, who refused to grant an audience. Several entreaties were made on Mutu’s behalf to Mourinho for clemency, all with little success. After his last emissary was decapitated and his head sent back to Mutu wrapped in sackcloth, he was finally released by the club.

We tracked Mourinho down to Chelsea’s training ground in the hope of getting the inside scoop on the Adrian Mutu saga, and he was putting his latest band of mercenary cohorts through attacking manoeuvres. Unfortunately, before we could be ushered into his temporary touchline court we were waved away by advisors. Not normally noted for his compassion, Emperor Mourinho’s latest proclamation has nonetheless surprised the fans. Unhappy at the subdued nature of the Stamford Bridge crowd of late, he has stated that he expects more noise and cheering from them in future, or one in ten will be dragged from the stands and put to death in the centre circle.