View Full Version : Jokes....

6th December 2004, 04:56 PM
What did the bananna say to the vibrator?
Why you shaking they are going to eat me!!!

How do you know when your at a gay B-B-Q?
The hot dogs taste like shit!!! :P

What do you call...?
A man with a shovel in his head?
A man without a shovel in his head?
A lady with a toothpick in her head?
A lady with one leg longer than the other?
A Chinese lady with one leg longer than the other?
A lady with both legs the same length?
An epileptic in a pile of leaves?
A man with a wooden head?
A man with three wooden heads?
Edward Woodward
A man with four wooden heads?
I don't know, but Edward Woodward would
A man with a rabbit up his bum?
A man with his legs chopped off at the knees?
A man who is being electrocuted?
A man who sits at your front door?
A man who has his head stuck under your car?
A man who has no arms and legs who is nailed to the wall?
The arms and legs of the above mentioned man?
Pieces of Art
A man with no arms and legs floating in the ocean?
A lady who is the stand-in for Polly in Fawlty Towers?
Polly - filler
A man with toilet paper in his mouth?
A man who has been buried for 2,000 years?
A dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him - he still won't come
A deer with no eyes?
No idea
A deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
A deer with no eyes and no legs who is chewing a razor?
Still no bloody idea

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD... they got my girlfriend too!!!"

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!"
But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "Throughout the galaxy, there are damn few things you can depend on. Here's one of them. You don't mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear!."

An old drunk stumbles across a baptism service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A man is driving down a deserted highway and notices a sign that reads:
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination & drives on. Soon, he sees a 2nd sign:
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on and sure enough, there is a 3rd sign:
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot is a building with a sign on the door that reads:
He rings the bell and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Follow me," says the nun. He is led through winding passages and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Knock on this door," and leaves.
The man does as he is told, the door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun tells him to put 50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway. He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
"Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."

6th December 2004, 05:13 PM
lol lol
Love the baptism and car keys one rofl!:)