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View Full Version : Lets hear evryones best David Beckham Jokes



Super Freak
27th July 2004, 10:33 AM
Lets hear evryones best David Beckham Jokes.

heres a few of my faves,
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Becks is in the Casino and he puts 50p in a machine, presses a buton and a can of coke drops out, he puts a nother 50p in and this time a can of organge drops out, he puts another 50p and a can of lemo drops out. The fella stod behind him taps him on the shoulder and says "excuse me m8 can i use the machine please" and becks says "piss off Im on a winning streak"
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Becks go for a hair cut and he sits down in the barbers chair and the
barber say "ok take ya head phones off".
Becks refuses saying "i cant m8, i must keep them on it's very important I don't take them off".
Barber says "don't be silly how am i going to cut your hair when your wareing head phones".
Beck's "look just do your best, Its a matter of life or death, I cant take them off"
"ok" say the barber and starts to cut his hair, aftre a whlie he acidentlay knock the head phone of beck's head. He quicky picks them up and as hes passing them back he hears this voice coming out of them sayin "Breath in, Breath out, Breath in"
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Becks goes Hosre riding and hes all giddy and exited, jumping up and down in the sadle, when the sadle slips and becks feet get tangled up in the stryups for hes up side down bellow the horse. As the horse is boucing up and down he keeps hiting his head on the floor, and hes just about to lose conciosness when .... The shop keepewr comes out and unplugs the horse.

dj_jam
27th July 2004, 11:23 AM
david beckham



thats the joke

Judderz
27th July 2004, 12:10 PM
Rivaldo, Ronaldo and Beckham are at the Pearly Gates. Rivaldo approaches St. Peter first and asks if he can be allowed in, Peter asks what Rivaldo has done to be considered to be let in. Rivaldo replies,
"Well Peter", "I play football as you know, and being a well known footballer, I taught the younger children from where I lived the special art of football, I ran the local youth team, and also organised special charity events for disabled children who also wanted to learn the art".
Peter replied by allowing Rivaldo through the gates.

Ronaldo then approached Peter and also asked if he could be let through the gates, this in turn Peter asked the same question what had Ronaldo done to be considered to be let through. Ronaldo replied:
"Well Peter", "I too play football, and also taught the younger children the wonderful art of football, but Brazil being a bit degraded, rough and children turning out very wrong in their ways, I kept them off the streets by teaching them a craft, the art of football".
Peter replied by allowing Ronaldo through the gates.

Beckham then approaches Peter, and before Beckham had a chance to speak, Peter said abruptly "And I suppose you want your fuckin ball back"!!!!

Northern Star
27th July 2004, 01:57 PM
One wet and cold morning in Manchester, the red devils were training hard when Cole says to Becks and Giggs 'Lads, you know the boss leaves at 12, lets do a bunk and just go home. He will never know'

Becks and Giggs think its a great idea and agree to it..........

So, as normal, Fergie dissapears at 12 and within 2 minutes the lads are off!

Giggs goes to the flicks, Cole goes off to chill to some R&B, Becks dashes off home to surprise Posh.

When Becks arrives home and cant find Posh...he dashes upstairs and enters the bedroom. To his horror he sees Sir Alex giving Posh the time of her life, he leaves the room without saying a word.

The following monday on the training ground, Cole says ' Lads i had a really good afternoon last week. are we going to do it again?'

Giggs thinks its a great idea as he had a good time too but Becks replies....

'no way lads i nearly got caught last time'!!!!!

bex74
31st July 2004, 11:08 AM
Guess whats just landed in my back garden? David Beckhams f****n penalty

Judderz
31st July 2004, 03:03 PM
David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in
the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?"
he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks
Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold.

Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his
next training session.

"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a
Thermos flask."

The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps
hot things hot and cold things cold,"says David. "And what have you got in
it?" asks Roy Keane.

"Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.

AB45
31st July 2004, 05:46 PM
Old now but made me chuckle

Apparently David Beckham has been offered the job as stadium announcer for all England's Euro 2004 games. An FA Spokesman said "We heard David comes over the PA very well"

RabbitCity
31st July 2004, 06:42 PM
Q: What has David beckham and ferrari roshea`s got in common...? :confused:

A: They both cum in a posh box...! :turn:

ZENZEN
2nd August 2004, 12:29 PM
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."



Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice


David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."



David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'



Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box


Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.


Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria


Q: What do the England footbaLl team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.


Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!

ZENZEN
2nd August 2004, 12:34 PM
David Beckham comes home from training with a note from Alex Ferguson, indicating that "David seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would Posh Spice, "please sit down and have a talk with David about this."

So Posh takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. First, David, I want you to take off my blouse... so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. Ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. Now take off my bra... which he does. And now, David, please take off my knickers. And when David finishes removing those, she says, "David, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes any more!"

***

David Beckham is staggering about, drunk as a lord with a key in his hand.

"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.

"They stole me bloody car!" shouts Beckham.

"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper. "On the end of this key!' David wails.

The Policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware sir, that your penn1sss is hanging out of your trousers?"

"Holy sh*t!' screams Beckham; "They got Posh as well!"

***

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank. "I'd like to donate some sperm." he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?"

"Yes" replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."

"Oh yes I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"

"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham.

The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless w*nker..."

***

David Beckham had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut up a lorry driver. The trucker motioned for him to pull over, which he did. The trucker got out of his lorry and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Beckham, "Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!!" He then went to Beckham's car and cut up his leather seats. When he turned around Beckham had a slight grin on his face, so he said "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in the car. When he turns and looks at him, Beckham has a smile on his face. The truckers getting really mad now. He gets his knife back out and slashes all of his tyres. Now Beckham¹s chuckling. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on the car and sets it on fire. He turns around and Beckham is laughing so hard he is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asks. Beckham replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

***

David Beckham and Posh Spice are skiing in France. Becks is having a tricky time staying on his feet but Posh is skiing like she's been doing it for years. She goes across to Becks and says "Did you see me Zag Zigging David?" Becks replies "it is zig zagging Victoria". Posh says "no it isn't David, it's like in our song - Zag Zigging". They argue for a while and then Becks says "let's ask the man over there with the sledge" They go across and Posh says "Is it zag zigging or zig zagging?". The man replies "I don't know, I'm a tobogganist". Becks says "if that's the case, I'll have 20 B&H and a box of matches please"

***

Alex Ferguson is on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.. He is stuck on the question for £1 million - What creature lives in a set - a) a cuckoo, B) a badger, c) a rabbit or d) an elephant. Alex Ferguson uses his 50/50 and is left with a) a cuckoo and B) a badger. He is still clueless as to the correct answer so he uses his last lifeline and rings David Beckham. Alex Ferguson repeats the question and the two remaining options to Beckham. Beckham confidently says "I am 100% certain it's a badger boss" Alex Ferguson thanks Beckham, gives B) a badger as his final answer and wins the £1 million prize. At training next day he takes Beckham to one side and thanks him again. "By the way David", he said, "why were you so certain you were right?" Beckham replies with a smug smile on his face "because everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock........"

***

Becks wakes up one morning and goes to Posh whos cooking brekkie and says Posh "i feel good, i look good but i dont half stink..." She replies "i havent noticed anything" so he eats his brekkie and off to training.

He goes up to Alex Ferguson at training and says "i feel good, i look good but i dont half stink..." Fergie replies "yeah i've thought that... Go and see the club dr"

So off Becks goes and knocks on the door and says "Alright Dr, I've got a problem can you help me?" The dr replies "sure.. Whats the symptoms??"

Becks goes "i feel good, i look good but i dont half stink..." The dr goes this is a mystery one david i'll have to research it...

After half an hour of flicking through medical books the dr goes "Found it!" "what is it dr" becks goes... The Dr goes "you're a c**t"

DJFANTAZIA
2nd August 2004, 08:51 PM
I take it that last one says **** ?

very funny :thumbsup: