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woody
10th January 2004, 09:44 AM
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool." "Well where is it?" inquired the chimp. "I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly. "Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp. "Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"

A prostitute is recently diagnosed with heart trouble but decides to go to "work" anyway.
She is approached by a potential customer and tells him, "It's gonna be 50 dollars, but I have to tell I have acute angina."

He replies, "Well I hope so, because your face is kind of ugly."


These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!!!



A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

Q: Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?

A: Because they're ugly and they stink

Q: Why does Edward Woodward have so many D's in his name?
A: Because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar.

An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...

u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we have a bit of a problem with your husband."

wife.. "What's wrong?"

u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When rigor mortis sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and, basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."

wife.. "Well, what can you do?"

u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than standard but it will cost you an extra $500."

wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the problem which is a little less expensive?"

The undertaker thinks for a second, then suggests..

u/t.. "We could remove his penis."

wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."

u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his rectum."

wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to see the body immediately before the funeral."

u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."

Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for the last time.

She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear.. "Bloody hurts, doesn't it?"

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

A Red Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces that he has decided on names for them all as they are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the peace pipe around.

'Son number one - you shall be known - ....'

Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?'

Chief replies - 'I will come to you in turn my son'.

The chief continues: 'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle'

Son number one asks why.

'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the elders agree.'

The peace pipe is passed to son number two.

Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?'

Chief replies - 'I will come to you in turn my son'.

The chief continues: 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.'

Son number two asks why.

Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?'

Chief replies - 'I will come to in turn my son'.

The chief continues talking to son number two: 'As you will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.'

The chief turns to the third son - 'Son number Three - you shall be known as Thrush'

Son No. three asks 'Why Thrush?'

'Because my son you are an irritating **** - the elders agree'.

A man is sitting at home with his wife and son. The baby sits in his crib with the biggest smile you've ever seen. The woman says "aw, isn't that cute?". The man replies " I'd be smiling like that if I could sit on my ass and suck your tits all day


A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a leafy country lane. They walk hand in hand and, as they stroll, the young man's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when the young woman says, I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to have a piss? Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a hedge, She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight white panties sliding down voluptuous legs and he imagines what loveliness is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and touches her smooth, bare leg. He gently brings his hand further up to her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He Gasps in horror, "My God Mary you changed your sex!??"."No", she replies," I've changed my mind, I'm having a sh@t instead."


One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. "The husband, disappointed, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment?


It's Christmas time and Darth Vader says to Luke "I know what you've got for Christmas". Luke replies "how's that then Darth". Darth Vader replies, "I felt your presents".

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! Fuck off!"
Q: How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A: Phone her.


4 Muslims have been found dead in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool. Security Forces have revealed they were suicide bummers......


Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.


Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.


Q: Why was the blonde staring at the Orange Juice container?
A: Because it said "concentrate".


Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.


Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.


Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.


Q: What do you call the excess piece of skin around a vagina?
A: A woman


Q: What's the difference between a remote control and a woman's clit?
A: A man will spend 30 minutes looking for the remote.


Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
A: A Megasoreass.


Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.


Q: Whats long thin and full of semen?
A: A submarine!


Q: What got loads of balls and screws grannys?
A: Bingo.


Q: Why is the space between a womens tits and her fanny called a waist ?
A: Because you could have put another pair of tits there !!


Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them:

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body,withdrew it and sucked it.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns,sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:

"The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"


A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%.

The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.


A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring............

"You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."


PMS Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?


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