PDA

View Full Version : Russian Windows



Karlosio
16th September 2003, 06:33 AM
Divers reported hearing tapping in the form of Morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub.
The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out "Windows sucks" in Morse code. The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this. It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:

Captain: Is new fire control Windows OS installed yet, Comrade?
Seaman: Almost Sir. Just need to finish filling out registration card.
Captain: Excellent. Soon is being able to point and click our enemies into oblivion. [evil laughter in background]
Seaman: Comrade Captain! Is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows for first time". [long pause]
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, is wanting me to reboot again. That makes 27th time.
Captain: Hmmm. Is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
Seaman: Aye, aye Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: Captain, is up again. Is saying it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM drive and that is needing drivers.
Captain: Where are drivers?
Seaman: On CD-ROM.
Captain: You are joking, right?
Seaman: No Sir.
Captain: Reboot damn thing again. I am starting not to liking this Windows. [another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! Is back! Is saying it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for device drivers. Do we have driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so.
Seaman: I will tell it to use default drivers. [another long pause]
Seaman: Is wanting to reboot again.
Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? Is taking forever. Our hull is rusting out before this works. [another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! Is up and this time is not asking for anything!
Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?
Seaman: No Sir. I think is ready.
Captain: Good work comrade. Now is clicking on the fire control icon and letting us see how this works.
Seaman: Is clicking now, Sir. [another long pause] [another long pause]
Captain: Why does fire control screen have dancing paper clip on it?
Seaman: I have no idea, Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, is trying clicking on menu.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Is saying: Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a Torpedo.
Captain: Is spamming friend later. Is firing torpedo now.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: Is asking us to load torpedo and to click when ready.
Captain: Torpedo room, load torpedo in tube number 1!
[intercom:] This is Torpedo room. Torpedo is loaded, Sir. Captain: Click on continue button.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: Is asking for target, Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, is targeting Rainbow Warrior.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! Is saying torpedo is low on ink.
Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.
Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
Seaman: Is firing torpedo, Sir. [another really long pause]
Captain: Well? Seaman: Am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait minute.... [a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]
Captain: WTF was that?!?!?
Seaman: Captain! New screen has appeared! "Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. "Click 'OK' to continue."
Seaman: Oh my God! Paper clip has died! What should I do?
Captain: Is shutting it down! Is shutting it down!
Seaman: Is not responding Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! Task manager is still operating. I am instructing task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control. [another long pause]
Seaman: Task manager is saying that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.
Captain: Tell it to 'end task.'
Seaman: Is happening nothing, Sir.
Captain: Is trying 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
Seaman: Oooh! Is pretty blue screen!
Captain: Not Blue Screen of Dea.... [KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.]

The Frog Meister
16th September 2003, 07:50 AM
and now we know why the yanks can not hit a single target :rofl:

The Joker
16th September 2003, 08:27 AM
PMSLOLOLOLOLOL class that 1!!! :thumbsup:

Aydo
16th September 2003, 11:05 AM
Originally posted by Karlosio
Captain: Is shutting it down! Is shutting it down!
Seaman: Is not responding Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! Task manager is still operating. I am instructing task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control. [another long pause]
Seaman: Task manager is saying that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.
Captain: Tell it to 'end task.'
Seaman: Is happening nothing, Sir.
Captain: Is trying 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]


bloody classic m8!! especially this bit so true lol :D :D :D :D

cam
17th September 2003, 09:35 AM
Spot on that one matey :)

dangeruss
19th September 2003, 04:10 PM
I found this joke pretty sick actually.

flange
19th September 2003, 08:10 PM
Originally posted by dangeruss
I found this joke pretty sick actually.

boring fuc*er - it is sarcastic class!!!

dangeruss
21st September 2003, 11:09 PM
boring fuc*er - it is sarcastic class!!!

No I work for the MoD ... often with submarines in fact. 118 men died over the course of 36 hours trapped in near freezing darkness as water slowly flooded in - that's a slow horrid death. Think it's kinda sick to make fun of that. People don't make fun about the WTC, fail to see what's different here? And don't call me a fuc*er you p*ick.