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Crystal
23rd June 2003, 09:11 AM
Top tips from Viz

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by
the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place, you fat b**tards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly
on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog tu*d into the
bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie
in a sand pit in your garden and sh*g every bloke who looks at you
over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to
your intended destination in the first place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pi**ing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of
the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
costly maps when visiting the Sahara

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a
JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker
the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB
unseen, with a Tonka
toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem
cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Miss Cola
23rd June 2003, 09:19 AM
Quality cookie! lmao! :thumbsup: :rofl: :rofl:

fugjostle
23rd June 2003, 09:25 AM
lol, some good advice there :) :thumbsup: