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ZENZEN
10th February 2003, 10:14 AM
Dog Fart

One day a guy got invited over to his girlfriend's parents house for dinner. He really liked the girl and was set out to impress her parents. When he arrived at the girl's house he was quickly whisked into the dinning room where they were getting reading to sit down for dinner.

He sat down in his chair and the family dog curled up under him. Halfway through dinner the man felt a rumble in his tummy and noticed he had gas. He was very uncomfortable so he let a little bit out hoping no one would notice. As soon as he did, the girl's father yelled at the dog "Rufus!" The guy thought, hey, this is great and let out a little bit more. Once again, the girl's father yelled "Rufus!"

They guy decided to let all the gas out since the father thought it was the dog. After he let a long fart out, the girl's father yells at the dog "RUFUS! Get out from under that chair before that man shits on you!"

The Sick Dog

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for 600. The dog's owner went berserk. "600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been 50, but you wanted the Lab work and the cat scan."


Elderly Couple

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".

TWO BROTHERS....

There were these two brothers. One was 17 and the other was 7. They shared a room and had a bunk bed. The oldest was on the top and the youngest on the bottom.

One night the older brother had brought his grilfriend over and they were fooling around. Just as they were about to have sex, he told her, "My brother is on the bottom bunk if you want me to go harder, say tomato if you want me to change sexual positions, say lettuce."

So on it went, she said what he asked but they still woke his brother up. He muttered, "Hey could you stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face."


HOW WOMEN SHOWER
Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73F.
Carefully fold each item, and place in clothes hamper.
Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
Look at your womanly figure in the mirror, and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
Position the shower nozzle pointing away from you, and turn on the water.
Get into the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber & Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair once again (just to make sure) with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber & Lamfrey Conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Watch falling hair accumulate around drain strainer.
Wash your face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
Complain bitterly when you realize your husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
Rinse hair of conditioner, a process which should take at least 15 minutes, as you must be sure it all comes off.
Shave armpits, and evaluate whether there is enough time and hot water left to do legs.
Slick hair back, and pretend you are Bo Derek.
Use Pumice Stone to soften rough spots on feet.
Use Massage Mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
Use nail brush to clean toenails.
Scream loudly (high F# is an especially effective note to reach for) when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of scalding water.
Cover your entire body with baby oil.
Turn hot water on full, and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for your husband.
Pat yourself dry, then rub briskly all over with a towel the size of a small African country.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
Apply Body Lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize!
Return to bedroom wearing your long dressing gown and towel on head, covering up suddenly if you see your husband.
Blow dry hair using an appliance powerful enough to lift Dorothy's whole farm out of Kansas.


HOW MEN SHOWER
Enter shower, turn on water
Soap and Rinse. Turn off shower
Towel dry. If no towel available, just roll over once on the bed.
Done.


NJoi,

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The Joker
10th February 2003, 12:16 PM
PMSL sum class 1's in there!! :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Howsey
10th February 2003, 05:25 PM
LOL, wicked mate:D

RetroAndy
10th February 2003, 05:42 PM
PMSL Very funny mate;)