[Vickles]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed"

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, with head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks:

"How many is a Brazillion?"

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Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson at an awards bask.

"Hello" she says "I've seen you before. What do you do"

"Top Gear" says Jeremy.

"Great I'll have 4 grammes please"

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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. "That is a great load off my mind. However, I do have one more question "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"

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For PAUL SHAW

A man walks in to a sportshop only to find an incredibly attractive buxom young lady serving behind the counter. "Sh*t" he thinks to himself. "Can I help you? " she asks. "Erm, err, yes I think so. Could I have a packet of condoms please?" he splutters. " I beg your pardon" says she. "Yes I said a packet of condoms please." By now he's going rather red and wishing the floor would swallow him whole.
" Sir this is a sportshop we don't sell condoms I'm afraid" says the
bemused potential Miss world.
" Listen I want a packet of condoms and I demand to see the manager right
away" he says.
Off she goes shaking both her head and her gorgeous rear as she fetches the
manager. Out he comes much to the relief of our hero who exclaims, " thank fcuk for that. Can I have the latest Tottenham shirt please mate."

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A woman notices a small wrinkled man sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch. She walks over to him and says "you look like you've lived a long life, whats your secret?". The man replies "well I smoke 50 fags a day, drink gallons of vodka and whiskey each day, and make sure i've always got some drugs with me". "Wow" says the woman, " how old are you?" "24"


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A Salesman knocks at the door of a house and a young boy, 7 or 8 years of
age opens the door. In his right hand the boy is holding a large lit cigar and in his left, an exceedingly large brandy.

"Hello son" says the Salesman, "Is your Mum or Dad in"?

The boy gives him a confused look and holding up his cigar and brandy says

"Does it f*cking look like it"?